Chit Chat

Work, work, work, work, work, more work, work again, and work, work, work. That about sums up the last two weeks. However, I have almost completed all of my hours for my contract. it has been gruelingly exhausting and I never want to have to work 300 hours in a month again.

I am also trying to get a personal leave of absence approved for my walmart job because I honestly need the break from there. And that is the fastest way to get it. It may mean that I get fired in the long run and I will then have to struggle to get insurance coverage somewhat, but it will be better for my health overall. So i think I will take being a bit more broke (moneywise) and a bit heathier in the long term.

We are FINALLY moving this weekend and will be getting settled into that and I'm sure that when I go back to the office on Tuesday after the holiday that I will have a bunch of paperwork to do to renew my contract. I am hoping that this job will make its way into areal full-time position with benefits and everything. That would negate some of my concerns from the previous paragraph, but since there's nothing definite in the pipeline then those are still valid fears.

In not so fun news, I am having health issues, have gained a TON more weight, and have generally felt miserable. The side effects from some of the medication they have me on makes it all worse. Hopefully I am finding ways to mitigate and deal with those side effects and I will be feeling more like myself very soon. But for now I am off to go pack a load of things to haul over to the new apartment and then come home and relax and either try to knit for a bit or just go to bed and try to sleep and hope that the extra sleep helps me feel better

Terrible, rotten, no good very bad day

I'm not sure what happened between the time of my last post and the time that I got home from the (first half) of my workday, but my mood shifted into absolutely foul and horrible and awful with just no warning whatsoever. I was upset because I can't find shoes that fit, most of my jeans don't fit, I feel fat and ugly, I was hungry (and that made me feel worse about being fat), and I was just so angry at everything.

I swore about the other people driving on the road, was peeved because Michael's didn't have the crafty stuff I was looking for, but they did have the other crafty stuff that I want and won't buy because I a) don't have time for it and b) can't draw anyway so what business do I have buying a sketchbook and set of pastels? In the midst of all this we had dinner which was enjoyable (mostly because of the company but the food was OK) and grabbed coffee and the only people immune to my wrath were staff of any places I went to because they didn't deserve it and JD, of course.

The rest of the world could go fuck themselves and die in a fire for all I cared. I'm still in a pretty miserable and rotten mood even as type this and I still don't quite know why. I know I definitely still feel fat and ugly and like I'm never going to get back to where I was.

Where I was (by the way) is a year and a half ago I was almost into a size 16 jeans and playing roller derby competitively. Now I can't skate, haven't had time/energy/wellness to make it to the gym in almost two months now and don't know what is wrong with me physically so I can't even begin to guess if I will ever actually get to skate again. I try to focus on announcing derby because it is certainly fun, but it isn't skating and I don't feel like as much of a part of things now that I'm not skating. Some of that is my own fault (and I'm perfectly aware of that), but that doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't hurt any less. *sigh* I guess only time, effort, and figuring out what is going on with my health will determine if I ever get back to where I was and where I felt like I was headed at that point in time. But for now I think I'm all typed out and should be getting to bed so I can get up in the morning for another day at the office. Yes, on a Saturday...it's my own fault and it sucks, but it has to get done so off I go.

You Are Tired - E.E. Cummings

Typically, I won't make a habit of posting other people's work here, but this is a wonderful poem that I greatly enjoy and just feel like sharing here.



You Are Tired.

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings


There is also a quote by the same poet that I'm considering getting as a tattoo so I'm going to share that here as well while I mull over the idea.

“One's not half of two; two are halves of one.”

Full of whine

Bleh. it feels like a Monday today. For the record (and later reference) today is Thursday. I rolled out of bed just time to get here a few minutes after 7 and have been feeling like a nap since about 930. My shoes that I bought last night fit funny (of course) and I'm not sure if I can break them in enough to be good and comfy or not. It seems like my foot has gotten wider and the 9.5 that is long enough is too narrow, but the 10 is too long and possibly still too narrow. SO I'm seeing if I can make the 10s work, but if not I will have to take them back and continue to not have nice shoes for work. I've been wearing a cheap pair of canvas sandals or my flipflops all summer long.

I did find out yesterday that I good to go on my job contract for another year so that is some good news for sure. I also found out that I may end up not being at my retail job for much longer because of my poor attendance which is due to my MH issues. I'm going to try to get an intermittent LOA that my doctor might backdate to the time that my treatment started, but if not then I have to make it at least for another 2 or 3 weeks before I can put my two weeks in from there. We can make it work without that extra income but it will be tight and it will mean that a lot of the fun stuff goes by the wayside.

Which is likely to make traveling difficult and that makes me feel like a disappointment, mostly to my family because while I have a wonderful man in my life and am successful in my job (with plans to be more successful as time passes obviously) I can't share a lot of that because I am so far away and air travel is so expensive. It sucks really that I miss out on so much, but it was my choice to move so far away...now I have to deal with it even if I don't like it.

Current first world problem: Cold coffee...yuck. If I want cold coffee I will order it iced, but if I want hot coffee and it gets cold before I can finish it that's just not right. Oh well, I think I need some caffeine to keep me going so I'm drinking it anyway.

I might run to the mall and check out some cute shoes on my lunch. If they fit better than the pair I'm wearing I will buy them and promptly return the ones I have on. Bonus points if I find a cheaper pair, which isn't impossible. Now if only I could ever find pants that are long enough...being tall can be a pain some days, but I don't mind it too much. Except for finding work pants that don't hit at like my ankle or higher...not cool.

But I think I've done enough ranting and raving for the day so I'm off to see what I can accomplish for the rest of my morning and into the afternoon. Here goes nothing...

thoughts and ramblings

I am making significant progress on my hours for work. But I'm still terrified that it won't be enough and I don't know if I will be granted an extension or not. All I need is a week or two, but that doesn't means I'm going to get it. I do appear to be OK for having a job as the funding is there to renew my contract and I think that if there weren't going to keep me I would've been told by now so that's not a bad thing.

We have started moving some smaller things over to the new apartment and I'm hopeful that we can be out of here by the end of this month for sure. I would like to already be out of here, but since the landlords are still finishing up some work on the new place and we're not paying rent on this place then it's not too bad of a thing really.

I got really wound up and manic yesterday (dinner, rolls/bread, and dessert all done in something like two hours...involved stuff too, like chopping 3lbs of veggies) followed by a quiet evening until I totally lost my shit in the middle of the night and got so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't know where I was for a good hour or so. JD couldn't pull me out of the funk I was in so he just let me run my course, then helped me back to bed and made sure I tried to sleep. But the nightmares were awful; I knew they would be after having gotten myself so worked up. I go see my psych tomorrow so we will see what he has to say...probably nothing good since I'm off my meds since probably mid-July.

Today I still feel very anxious and jumpy. I'm sure it is just a side effect of last night, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I makes me not want to do anything other than hide in my house, but I have to leave at some point today and go to the office even if it is only for a few hours. After that I intend to come home and veg out for the evening until bed time. I think (given that it is after 12pm) I should probably get off my computer and get moving so I can go to the office, do what needs done, and come home.

A mix of complaints

*sigh* I'm really starting to have serious doubts about whether or not I can complete my hours before my term is up at the beginning of September. If I only had the one job it wouldn't be so bad, but going to bed at 1 and getting up at 5 simply is not happening for me and I need it to be happening in order to maximize the time I am spending at the office to get everything sorted out.

I'm tired of my feet and ankles swelling to absolutely massive proportions, I'm tired of my jeans not fitting, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of my moods being all over the place and I want to know when it will be my turn for life to get a little easier. I'm starting to think my turn got skipped....

Yes, I know this is another whiny post but I am so tired I can't see straight and my day has only just begun. I am also CONSTANTLY hungry. Not a little bit hungry and not thirsty, but this deep gnawing hunger that no amount of food seems to be able to satiate. It is just one more thing that is wrong with me.

I try to keep things outwardly positive to people that I have to interact with (another thing that wears me out) so I'm not just dumping things on them, but I'm so over even trying to be even remotely cheerful and pleasant that I've started just not saying much of anything. Being quiet is simply less effort than putting on a fake smile and going thru the motions. Right now I can barely seem to manage the effort to drag myself out of bed and make it to work in a reasonable time frame, which given my hours that need to get done is something of a disaster in and of itself. I don't even know why I'm writing this all down and I certainly don't know what my positive mention in this post is going to be. I barely know my own name I feel like. Uuuhhhhhh....

I know I've already talked briefly about moving and the new place being cheaper overall so that's a positive that's out there already, I think I don't talk often enough about the amazing person in my life who treats me wonderfully (I love you, Darlin') even if they area having a bad day, and I guess I'm lucky that I have a job(s) and food and a roof over my head, but I want more out of life than just those most basic of things. I want to be able to travel and do things I love and try new things that I've never done and get back to playing roller derby because I love the sport and I miss it like there's no tomorrow.

Hmph...even my positive paragraph turned glum. I think I give up for now.

I feel the need to recharge...

The world is a hostile place today and one I wish I could simply hide from by curling up under a blanket. I don't want to come out, world, and you can't make me! If only that were the truth. I would still be in my bed wrapped in the covers or nestled into the couch with my knitting and maybe a cup of tea. Unfortunately, I haven't yet become independently wealthy so that's not an option for me today.

On the upside of things I have managed to drop my hours to about 280 by September, but that is still going to require busting my hump to get them all in. It's progress, even if it doesn't seen like much. If I didn't have both jobs to worry about I'm certain that it would be much easier to handle. Then again, with the way I've been struggling with getting to my other job I'm not sure how much longer I might have it. Working retail is incredibly detrimental to my mental health and given the recent decline I've seen in my physical health I've noted some impact there. I do have an appointment with a new doctor's office later this month and hopefully that will be the beginning of shedding some light on why I feel so awful.

I know I spent a lot of my time writing venting about annoying little things or seemingly whining about things that to my readers (if there are any) must be inconsequential. Despite that and despite the days when my mental health kicks me in the teeth until I cry, I am not dissatisfied with my life. Certainly there are things that stress me out, make me upset, make me angry or sad or paranoid, but there are also things that make me smile or laugh or bring joy and contentment. It is human nature for a lot of people to focus on the negative things in their life instead of celebrating the positive ones. Given that I have a sometimes quite pessimistic outlook any way I'm sure I can be rather fatalistic in my views at times. I'm also the type that doesn't do well if my plans are derailed even a little bit. I'm just not as flexible about it as I could and probably should be a lot of the time.

I can't guarantee that I will be writing regularly for the next month or so given my nutty ass schedule, but I think that perhaps every time I write (even if I'm ranting and venting and angry) I want to try and remember and record at least one good thing that has happened since the last time I wrote. With that said, a good thing right now is that the bills are handled and we are on track to make our move and be in the new place by the end of the month. It is busy and hectic and JD is going to be handling a lot without me, but we are getting it done and will be working to get our budget on track to get these bills paid down. Hopefully if I'm gone for a bit I will come back with even better news.