Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Written 2/24 and Posted 2/25 cause I forgot to post yesterday! Oops!

My weekend was mostly quiet. I spent Saturday picking up some extra hours at the office and then did a bit of fabric dyeing later in the day. I still have stains on my hands from the dye, but they aren’t too bad. I keep saying I will buy a pair of rubber gloves and then I forget to pick them up. Oops! I need to run the dress and pair of jeans through a washer to remove any excess dye then the dress will need to have the buttons replaced. Joy. I hate sewing buttons. Although after getting dressed this morning I am hoping that said dress still fits me as the new jeans that I bought in a 22 and assumed would fit me because m 24s are too big are a little on the tight side. That made me a little sad and frustrated and I am wondering if I can get enough gym time in over the next few weeks to shed even a tiny bit of weight to make them fit a smidge better.

Anyway…so I dyed some clothing and am annoyed at buttons, but I also completed my first pair of galaxy shoes that I painted myself. They aren’t bad, but I am seriously thinking I am going to buy a couple more pairs of cheap shoes and some more paint and try again at least one and possibly twice and see what happens. I will still wear the first pair that I did after I have finished them with a spray sealant, but I want to see if I can improve upon my technique and do better. I also might try a different technique for a similar look on a pair of white shoes, because why not!

Tonight I need to stop at the local fresh produce/deli place, run to Walmart for cat food (Colt monster likes his new food much better and is about to get put on portion control before he gets any fatter), and I think JD and I may grab pizza for dinner. Yes, I know pizza for dinner won’t help me lose any weight, but I cannot eat healthy ALL the time. That said…

I need to start eating healthy again and really work at trying to moderate my portions while staying full enough that I don’t feel the urge to graze. I also need to get back on my liquid intake and with warmer weather coming I will probably get back into more smoothies and that may also be helpful if I can find a good way to make them that is less sugar heavy. I will have to rally do some looking and see what I can do. I know that I go through phases where I say that I am tired of being fat and that I need to make all these changes and they have never stuck, but I feel like eventually that I have to start getting better about taking care of myself and having JD to help me seems to really make a difference.

On the down note of my weekend as I was painting my shoes yesterday I realized that I was shaking very, very hard. Dropping paint brushes and dripping paint kind of hard. But I was so focused on painting my shoes that these were only minor annoyances and I was almost in a frenzy of creativity. And then I finished my shoes and really noticed just how bad I was shaking. It made me feel really out of control so I went and found JD and he laid in bed with me for probably an hour just holding me so that I could try and calm down. It still took a while and I was jittery  off and on for most of the evening and I appear to be a bit faster than usual this morning as well so hopefully I will settle down as the day wears on.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014 update!

So I have been incredibly, super, mega bad about keeping up with my blog lately. I’ve written at least 3 posts that never made it any further than my desktop because I was just too lazy to publish them. But since they were mostly written when I really depressed or in a mixed state there was a lot of whining in them.  Maybe it is better that I didn’t get around to posting them. I don’t know.

Things have been pretty low key. I haven’t noticed any major mood changes with the meds I am currently on (tegretol was added at the appt. before last if I didn’t mention that) and at my last apt. I was told to try taking my Prozac in the AM and also had blood work ordered that I need to get done before my next appointment in March.

Also in March I am going to visit family that I haven’t seen in several years and JD will be joining me to meet them. I know it is going to be incredibly hard and stressful for him so I have tried to do what I can to alleviate as much worry for him as possible. And I am incredibly grateful that he is going with me. It really does mean a lot and I don’t think I can explain to him just how much it means to me. I’m not even sure that there are words in the English language to convey how I feel about it. Mom and I are considering matching tattoos if we can come up with something that we can agree upon.

 I keep telling myself that I need to go to the gym and try to lose even 5 pounds before the trip. I’ve been telling myself that I need to go to the gym since the first of the year though and it hasn’t happened yet. Part of it is largely due to my own lack of motivation that I suffer with as a part of my mental health issues and the other part has more to do with the weather being cold and miserable and awful and I don’t want to leave the house or go to the gym because gym clothes aren’t terribly warm. So basically I need to suck it the hell up and go to the gym. Five pounds in a month doesn’t seem like a lot, but if that is ALL I lost that would be 60 pounds in a year. This means that in two years if all I did was lose fat and not gain muscle I would be at a healthier weight that I wouldn’t hate quite so much. However, even with muscle gains I would still be healthier even at a higher weight. After all, the number on the scale doesn’t determine my self-worth. I don’t have gym gear with me today (hell, I don’t even know where it is) and I might not find it tonight or tomorrow, but I really need to recognize that taking care of myself both physically and mentally should be more of a priority in my life.

So with that said I need to get my ass back on the gym wagon and start going. Also, a former teammate told me that I should come and skate at fresh meat nights with her for derby and offered to give me rides to the rink if I don’t have gas so there is also that. It would be something nice to get back into even if I am starting all over as a freshie. And really if I can get my body back to a point that I think I can skate again then I might be a better skater than I was before just because I will be getting a refresher on all those skills and really working harder to improve them because I do want derby back. The fear I have here is that I am going to go skate and start getting back into things and then crash and burn like I have the last few times that I have tried to do derby. So I’m going to take it slow and ease my way back into things. I don’t have a choice anymore. Managing the stress in my life has to become a priority or I simply shut down and can’t function normally. I am pretty damn tired of not being able to function like a normal human being. I want my life back.