Friday, April 11, 2014

Further discoveries of self

So I am over my sad about missing Texas (although I admit I will still miss it) and I am trying to get back into the swing of being me again. I have noticed over the last few months as I settle into a good routine with my meds and try to get enough sleep and eat better (that last one still needs TONS of work) I am getting back to a person that I was a long time ago.

If anyone that reads this knows me from high school and remembers the IDGAF attitude that I sported for those 4 years, that attitude is definitely starting to make a comeback. Two of the biggest things that I have noticed about myself in this regard are the fact that I don’t really care if people look at me and think I’m fat (that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be healthier) and that I have returned to being much more outspoken than I had been. I don’t think either of these are bad changes in my life.

I am looking at getting more involved with the local roller derby league again and doing something other than announcing, but it will be a bit before I know for sure what I am doing. Skating isn’t back on the radar quite yet. But I have finally figured out WHY I keep saying I am going to go to the gym and then I flake out on it. Long story short I pretty much hate any kind of cardio that isn’t fun so that leaves me with skating and some biking. I don’t actually own a bike and riding a stationary is NOT the same. And since I’m not ready to skate yet, what is a girl to do?

I mean I can beat the hell out of myself on the elliptical trying to lose a pound or two but it isn’t going to be terribly effective if I half ass it because I’m bored. Or I can look at ways to use weight training as cardio and do something I find enjoyable that helps me gain muscle and shed pounds when I combine with better eating habits. And as I do those things I will feel more like me and more ready to get back on my skates with the newer skaters and get my skills back. Even if I choose not to return to competitive derby I will feel better and enjoy myself just getting to skate. So I think is going to be a goal that I work towards. I am also going to eventually see about learning to lift free weights in addition to the body weight stuff that I can do at home without the gym. And maybe yoga, but that remains to be seen. I feel like maybe I am being almost too ambitious, but I think that is fear talking to me and I am going to tell fear to go the hell away and STFU!

No matter what I do I will never be skinny and there will always be people out there that will call me fat or ugly or too this or too that and not all of those things will be favorable comparisons. I just can’t waste my time caring about that crap any more. I don’t have the energy for it and I want to be able to get a good night’s sleep instead of being restless and worried and scared. So I am going to finally do something about it.