Saturday, February 14, 2015

Is there a stronger word for depression than depression?

Depressed doesn't even begin to cover how I have been feeling for the better part of the last...week or so I guess. Maybe longer. It gets hard to tell after a while. I can't find a single reason for it. I just know that I feel soffocated under it, with no motivation, no spark, nothing. Even good sex didn't shake me out of my funk for more than a few minutes.

I don't actually know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. I've got absolutely nothing in the way of a clue to figure out while I am so so so so so so down. Everything feels like effort, even sleeping. But I have a job to do and a house to try and take care of (I'm terrible at it) and a cat and a man in my life who loves me and errands to run. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and do nothing. Because the idea of doing anything is just so much effort that it doesn't seem worth it. Even writing this post has taken me days to get around to because I know that no one really follows this and I don't know why I'm bothring because it isn't going to make me feel any better to put words to a page.

Drinking myself into a stupor might even be preferable to this empty nothing kind of feeling. But you know what, drinking that much seems too hard, just like everything else. I guess that I am going to go lay back in bed until I finally fall asleep because my eyes close on their own.