Holiday funk

So I made some blondies yesterday, drank some Bailey's (nowhere near enough to even be tipsy, much less drunk), and proceeded to fall into a SUPER funk. I was massively depressed and laying in the bedroom and all I wanted to do was hurt myself so I could feel something other than the awful empty feeling that is my depression. It was bad enough that when JD came to check on me he asked if he should hurt me. Hearing your BF ask you that is really freaking strange.

Realizing that it will probably help you clear your head if he does is even stranger. So he pulled my hair and pinched me hard enough that any other person would've been screaming. I just sort of went with it and even then I commented that I didn't know what enough was (in regards to pain) and he pointed out that my comment was the reason he would rather hurt me than me hurt myself. I pouted a little because I wanted to put smiley faces on the bottoms of my feet, but he wouldn't let me.

And that was how I spent part of my Christmas.

Also, for anyone who randomly reads this and gets worried, please know that I am seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, but it is a struggle to get everything in that perfect place where I don't have days like this. I am not suicidal and my boyfriend is not abusive to me. He was simply trying to help me be better than I was and honestly, it really, really helped. If you want to be judgmental about how I deal with my mental illness feel free to do so, but I don't want to hear about it because I have enough negativity in my own head. I don't need yours too.

Ho Ho NO

It's Christmas and I'm sitting here with a stomachache and the shakes and I can't decide if I want to bake or drink or both. Drunken cookies might be kind of fun....

JD is sleeping in the other room and I am just trying to stay distracted so I don't think about the loneliness I feel. I remind myself that even though I'm lonely today it would be incredibly hard on me if I were spending the day with family because I have such issues with MI anymore. I would be an anxious wreck and that might be worse than being lonely. I don't even know honestly.

Alright, I had something longer planned, but I basically lost my train of thought and spaced out for a minute (or five.) I'm going to find something to occupy myself whether it's cooking, drinking, cleaning, or just going back to bed.

Happy whatever and Merry everything...

Ramblings from an unfocused mind

I’ve been really struggling with this constant jittery feeling for probably almost 3 weeks now. I’m pretty much over it and want it to stop. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the case. It will fade temporarily for a bit, but it always comes back. I feel like the only time I’m NOT twitching is when I’m asleep. JD and I were discussing it last night and I was asking him if I had been like this before I changed my meds or if maybe this was a side effect of a med and he made an indication that my moods (up and down wise) are far more stable than they had been, but that this ever present jittery, twitchy, unsettled feeling is something that I exhibit when I am hypomanic. However, I don’t REALIZE that I am up. These last few weeks I have been perfectly aware that I am up and have struggled to keep myself together. So apparently my meds seem to be doing SOMETHING.


Honestly, I’m ready for a good down swing at this rate because I am just tired of being up and jittery.  Hell, I’m just plain tired. This is exhausting and it affects my ability to sleep and sometimes my insomnia kicks in. I was up til 230 this morning and finally rolled out of bed around 8 after having had alarms going off since about 645. It’s going to be a long day and I’m glad that I don’t have to work tomorrow for Christmas.

I am a little depressed though because I haven’t seen my family for Christmas in so long, but the only thing I can do is try to plan better for next year and make it down; hopefully with JD in tow so he can meet my family. I am going to try to make it down in March for a family event and my mom has offered to try and help me with a plane ticket, but they are just so damn expensive and I have to wait for my taxes to come back before I can really look at purchasing one.  As soon as I get all of my paperwork I will be filing and hoping for a generous refund from Uncle Sam. Not that I actually expect to get much.

Also, I should stop torturing myself by searching for airfare. I did find tickets for as little as $250/person, but I just don’t have an extra $500 lying around right now. I kind of want to try and apply for a credit card with a limit just high enough to buy tickets, but that’s rather irresponsible of me to do and I already have enough debt that I don’t need to be adding to it. Ugh…

I am starting to feel a little sick to my stomach which has also been an issue lately and I don’t know why. I think it must be related to how I feel though because it seems to get worse as I get more jittery and when the depression kicks in. Jittery and depressed at the same time is definitely an awful feeling.

And as the day progresses I feel more and more awful and I can’t concentrate on actually trying to even get any work done.  We did actually close the office though so I don’t have to try and deal with people or phone calls any longer for the day. That isn’t a bad thing. The office is mostly empty so I am taking the time to rock out to the Pentatonix cover of Little Drummer Boy for a bit because it is currently the top song on my list of songs that help me feel a bit calmer or more centered.  And hopefully I will be able to actually get some work done soon. I don’t think I need to stop and pick anything up at the store, although I am contemplating some eggnog, but that’s mostly so I can get drunk off of eggnog and bourbon. It alternately seems like both a good and a bad idea depending on the moment.

But I think I am (finally) calm enough to maybe get some actual work done for a bit before I take off and go home and do nothing til Thursday. The jury is still out on whether or not I’ll be getting my drink on or not.

Pre-New Years post

So I’m back at work after missing a day for JD’s sleep study and missing two days because I was having a manic episode that intensified my nightmares, coughed sleep issues, and made me horribly jittery and twitchy and shaky to the point that I was having problems walking straight. Clearly my meds aren’t quite where they need to be yet. That said, I do feel like I am making progress with them and hope to get them squared away on something that works in the new year.

My plans also include really making an effort at the gym not because I want to get in shape to play roller derby, but because working out makes me a better, healthier person and it makes me seep better, stabilizes my moods, and is generally good for me to work out even if I don’t focus on losing weight.  And focusing on losing weight only created a negative aspect for me when I didn’t see the progress that I was hoping to see. So I’ll try something else. I will also be getting back to healthier eating and am looking at investing in a food scale. Hopefully JD will be on board with me in making these changes as much as we can as they would be good for both of us.

I realize that I have shut myself off from a lot of things in the last year and while some of it is due to wanting to enjoy my time spent with JD and enjoy being in a relationship where I feel loved, safe, and happy instead of afraid and controlled I know that some of it is also caused by my mental illness. I was already having a hard time with my divorce and everything at the end of 2012 and leaving my roller derby family for a break was stressful and getting diagnosed was also stressful and it all really took a toll on me and I felt like I just needed to take a giant step back from everything. I have been trying to put myself back together and I struggle with it a lot. I’m hopeful that 2014 for will be a year of changes and moving forward.

And with that said I am going to try and start a little early by making some small changes between now and the new year that will help. I’ve already been making an effort to have a regular bedtime for the most part, especially during the week when I have to be up for work in the mornings. If I can sleep it seems to help. I have also gotten much better at taking my meds since I switched off the Latuda. I’m not feeling nearly as foggy as I was and it seems like the mix of Buspar and Prozac is helping, although I am still frequently very shaky and jittery so it doesn’t seem like everything is QUITE right. I think trying to start the gym again should happen sooner than later and my goal is go tomorrow and Sunday both for a short period of time. My eating habits will probably wait until after the new year for the most part for me to start getting them back on track just because I don’t want to add too much to my plate. I am trying to drink more, although I tend to be pretty bad about having enough to drink because I just sort of seem to not notice until I am super thirsty. I also don’t really care for plain water and sometimes it feels like making tea is too much effort so that doesn’t help me there. I will keep pushing myself to drink more.

So the goal is onward and upward to better things, to a new year, and to whatever challenges that it holds. I’ll see if I can look back on this post in a year or six months and if I have made any progress.

Merry Whatever and Happy Everything

I’m feeling somewhat sad today for some reason. I’m assuming that my melancholia is related to the holiday season as it tends to be this time of year. I’ve never been a big holiday or Christmas person and would celebrate with those around me, but as I got older it often seemed to be so over commercialized that it was more of a hassle than anything. And then my life did a complete 180 and I went from a big crazy to-do with my ex and his family into something much different.

Last year and this year JD and I opted to forgo gifts for each other, to not put up any decorations, and to enjoy the time with one another. I am getting gifts for some family members but keeping to a reasonable budget as money is already tight and I’m finding that this seems to be a much better way to go. I think at some point I might be open to the idea of JD and I exchanging small gifts, but with finances the way they are it doesn’t seem practical or feasible. And honestly, he spoils me in so many little ways that I can’t imagine what he could get me that I really would want or need. Certainly there would be things I would enjoy, but they are only things.

It is much more tangible for us to enjoy a meal together (either as a rare outing or cooking together) or to cuddle in bed talking, to revel in the feeling of a massage with coconut oil after a long day, or simply to be with one another in the quiet early mornings when we can’t sleep. I get flowers sometimes for no reason at all. I almost never pump my own gas; I am not incapable of this, but it happens to be something I hate doing and JD makes sure that there is gas in the car for me.  And there are a million and one other little things that he does for me to show his love. I don’t need bits and bobs and baubles to know that and I don’t need an over saturated and saccharine sweet Hallmark perfect holiday either.

I just need him. (And if we’re feeling extravagant a bottle of wine.) We can always find something to talk about, but there are times when we simply relish the silence of being together.

And reading over this post I realize how my first few sentences describing my sadness are so out of place with the rest of it. And that my sadness and melancholy feeling has faded as quickly as it came. Maybe I just needed a reminder that there is more than shopping and overspending. Maybe I just needed to reflect for a moment on how my life has changed.  *shrug* At any rate, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Blessed Solstice to anyone out there reading this.

Starting Again

I’ve gotten off track with my writing again. So here is another entry to see if I can get back on track with things. I spent the weekend vegging out and not getting anything done. So today after work I need to do both grocery shopping AND laundry. I think JD has some master plan so we can get it all done without making ourselves crazy. 

The new meds are easier for me to remember to take them even though I am taking more meds at multiple doses. And according to JD he thinks that they might be helping, although it seems like (to me) that it is really too early to be able to tell. The fact that I didn’t have a giant melt down after some pretty intense activity that usually results in some fallout is a promising thing. Or at least it seems to be…

I’m also finding that I am considering getting back into going to the gym and feeling like that is something that I want to do and keep trying at. Last time I went on my kick and lost about ten pounds, but there were other benefits that JD has pointed out multiple times and it only finally started to sink in not long ago. Apparently I was sleeping better, my moods were more stable, and I felt better in general. It shouldn’t matter that I wasn’t losing weight like crazy and I couldn’t see the progress that I was making. I couldn’t see those other beneficial things but that doesn’t mean that they weren’t there and my inability to see my own progress does not mean that I should have given up and stopped going. Instead of looking at the gym as a means to an end (i.e. a way to get back in shape for roller derby) perhaps I should be looking at it as a way to lead all around healthier life. If it leads to my return to roller derby as a skater then that is simply another benefit of taking care of myself. If I lose 60 pounds then I lose 60 pounds. But if I don’t then I need to not obsess over that and simply keep pushing to be a better me. 

And being a better me doesn’t mean that I have to change myself from the inside out. Being a better me means that I need to be me and accept myself for who I am flaws and all. I can still work on changing those flaws, but my goal should be overall acceptance instead of complete and total change. And that is a goal to work towards in and of itself. Here’s hoping that I can keep that in mind and keep working towards it and remember that even though there will be times when I want to give up or when I have setbacks that I can always start again.

Piles of self-hate

So yesterday was really bad and awful for me personally. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I was upset with myself and frustrated as my inability to be normal. I have severe body image issues that affect me daily, but I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Instead I just have piles and piles of self-hatred that color how I perceive myself all the time.  It is bad enough that there are frequently times when I want to stop eating and start exercising like a fiend in order to see results. However, I do have some good sense left and it kicks me in the head when I start thinking like that too much. I know how unhealthy that would be for me.

That said even though I know it in my head that doesn’t mean I don’t get a little crazy sometimes. Yesterday I spent some time reading a blog written by a woman who is pro-ana and according to said blog works in some kind of film or modeling industry where there is a LOT of pressure to be thin. I was trying to find some perspective hoping that it would kick me out of the headspace I was in, but all I did was feel like some of what she was writing about going to the gym and limiting her caloric intake made sense to me. That was a little scary honestly and I did find the courage to tell JD about it last night because I kind of scared myself. He asked me if perhaps part of my mood yesterday was because I started new meds and if the side effects might be getting to me. I argued that I had only just started them and he pointed out that side effects are an immediate thing, which he is correct about.

At any rate today I just feel like I am being buried under a giant pile of self-hatred and loathing and I don’t know how to escape from it. I’m not perfect and I never will be, but I don’t think I will ever even get to a point where I can say that I like myself. I’m really tired of always feeling so broken, useless, and worthless, but I don’t know any other way to feel about myself. I’m diagnosed crazy, fat, not really pretty, and have never been able to see the good in myself that others keep telling me is there. I try to trust JD when he tells me that he loves me for a reason, that I’m wonderful, and that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me, etc. but I can’t shake the feeling that he would be better with someone else. My best friend reminds me that I’m not perfect and he’s (JD) not perfect, but we are perfect together. And maybe she’s right. But I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to not hate myself.