Texan til I die

Every time I take a trip home it always breaks my heart to leave. It seems like it must be true that you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl. I’d give anything if I could move in the fall when my contract is up, but I know that JD would be miserable in Texas and I just do not want to do that to him. I’d like for us to find a place to live that we can both agree on, but we have such different climate preferences that I don’t know if that is going to work.  I feel like we are going to end up in a place where one of us is less than happy. And that sucks…

He has indicated that he will follow me to Texas if that is really what I want, but that just seems so unfair to me and bothers me on a level that I struggle to comprehend. And I get scared that he would go with me to Texas and then decide that he was terribly unhappy and it would cause problems between us. That isn’t something that I want.

Annoyingly enough, however, because I am so stressed about coming back here from Texas and wanting so badly to go back that I am having some very strange dreams about what might have been if I had taken a different path that didn’t include getting married at 18. And those dreams are weighing heavy on my mind for some reason. I think it is only natural for people to wonder what might have been if they had lived differently, but I’m so depressed at being back in NY that I am having a hard time shaking the memory of those dreams. I don’t want to give up what I have now and I certainly have no intention of doing so. My subconscious mind is just acting up because I miss Texas.

Of course, my subconscious mind is also feeding into my sexual fantasies and poking me about what it might have been like with a certain male friend if one of us would have had the guts to speak up a decade ago and suggest that maybe we should date. Apparently said friend feels the same way about me, but neither of us ever had the courage to act. And at this point I’m not willing to give up what I have for what might have been and he is a good enough friend that he wouldn’t dream of seriously asking that of me.  So we will both be left to wonder, but it will go no further.

Reaching for normal

I have been doing better and better lately at taking my meds and not being a mess (although I forgot them yesterday morning and I was mostly OK) and I have also decided that accepting my body for what it is should be something that I focus on. It all kind of clicked in my head when I was really sick last week that the time and energy I was wasting on hating myself just wasn’t worth it. So I’m working on changing my outlook.

 And in addition to that I am also looking at trying to remove negative people, attitudes, and forces from my life. I am negative enough on my own and I don’t need to be surrounded by a bunch of people are negative especially living in a community where negativity is the norm. Instead I will work to be less negative (notice that I did NOT say more positive J ) and to let negativity that I happen to encounter out and about not get to me.

 My tattoo craving has been in high gear lately and I have been really doing some looking about what I want to do about getting new tattoos and repairing some of the ones that I feel like could use some brightening up. I am also looking at finding some new artists to work with because I am tired of all the drama that seems to pop up at local shops. I have a list of pieces that I want to get and I am always adding to or changing the list. Currently I am trying to decide what I want to put on my feet and where I want to put the teapot that I am looking at getting as well. And I just had a flash of inspiration and it looks like I will be getting words tattooed on both feet, but may or may not add any kind of flowers or design or anything. I’m sure on that point yet, but I will keep puzzling over them.

 And I am out of crazy tattoo stuff and positivity to share for the moment so I’m packing up and moving on with my day. More another time!