Is there any creature on earth as unfortunate as an ugly woman?

Typically when I get a haircut it makes me feel much, much better. Especially if I have gone a while without getting one. But this time it didn't have the same effect. The hair color I applied a couple days later also didn't really do much for me. I'm not really sure why on either note, but it is a bit depressing.

I am often kind of down about my looks and see myself as anywhere from a monstrosity to simply just OK, maybe average on a good day. Getting my hair and eyebrows done always makes me feel better for a little bit, but this time it just didn't help. I don't know why. I do know that it has been bothering me since I noticed it, but I still can't figure it out. My hair looks good, the color is appropriate (if a bit redder than normal), and I have eyebrows again instead of what feels like two caterpillars resting above my eyes. But I feel just, not awful really, but I haven't gotten that spike of look at me I feel almost pretty. I had gotten used to that.

And it bothers me a little that I had gotten so used to that superficiality that now that it is gone I am bothered by it. I seriously have no idea what to do or how to handle this or what will make me feel better. Not even the slightest clue. I mean, if I thought that buying a new outfit would help and I could afford it I might try that, but I don't think it will and I can't afford it anyway. I wondered about a new piercing or tattoo, but again I lack the money to do so and the desire to fight with the hassle of it. But mostly the money is an issue here because I ALWAYS want a new tattoo. That said, I still don't think it would make me feel any better.

As I sit here and I think about it I am almost starting to wonder if perhaps my weight is what is causing the discontent. But solving that problem is going to take some time so I won't know until I get back on the exercise wagon. Which won't be as soon as I might like, but I will say that my knee is getting better and I have been out and about without my cane quite a bit in the last two days or so. If I can get myself together I am going to start with some body weight work and maybe the gym a couple times a week, even if all I do is the treadmill or something for a short time. Maybe it will help...I hope something does. I feel like even more of an ugly duckling than ever, but I have never been a swan in my life. I'm pretty sure I never will be and I wish that I could be the kind of person who isn't bothered by that. I try very hard to accept myself for me and tell the world and their beauty standards to fuck off.

But even with doing that I still don't feel as though I fit a non-traditional or even my own sense of beauty. So even if I ignore Holloywood and the media and what people's expectations are I feel like I still don't fit. It is a lonely and alienatng feeling that I don't know how to fix. I wish I did.

Rambles of two days

I got a decent night's sleep for the first time in probably almost a month last nght.

I was up before my alarm and now I just need to shower, have breakfast, make my lunch, and go to work. And all of those things seem like more effort than I can muster the will to do. Oh, and I have to wade my way through who knows how much snow. I'm not actually sure if the roads are safe enough for travel to be honest.

I'm really, really fucking lost here at this point. I want someone to hold on to me and tell me that it will be OK. And I know that I can wake JD and he will hold on to me and pet my hair and tell me that he loves me and that we will figure this out. And he does love me, of that I have no doubt, but I know that he cannot fix me and I feel like I cannot fix myself. And I don't know how to fix anything else in our lives that is a problem. And yes, people will say that it isn't solely my job to fix things, and maybe they are right, but fixing and handling problems is what I do and now I can't seem to do that anymore.

So this post was started yesterday morning as I struggled to make myself coherent enough to handle my day. I actually did end up back in bed with JD and we went and got breakfast even though I needed to get to work. And yes, that seems very irresponsible, and in a lot of ways it was (I am also lucky to have a job where I can do that), but because of the way I have been fighting with my moods and trying to deal with my bipolar symptoms I needed some peace and calm before work. And good food never hurts!! Despite the fact that the more adult choice would ahve been to just get up and go to work and stopped for a bagel and a coffee in the drive thru, I felt better for having made the opposite choice of sitting down and having breakfast and having some coffee. JD is very honest with me about things that either help or hurt me in terms of my health, especially mentally because I do not always see what is obvious to him and even he said that I looked better than I had. Then I went to work.

Where I got stuck in an elevator. Getting it unstuck was as simple as one of my coworkers triggering the down button from the ground floor, but I worry that someone who cannot take the stairs is going to get really stuck. Hell, if my knee is acting up and I can't handle walking four flights of stairs it could be me. *shrug* I can handle that better than I can a lot of other things though.

Found a job that I need to get a cover letter and resume out for. It is about an hour and a half away so it would require us to relocate, but JD and I both agree that if that is a thing, then it is a thing. More money means getting bills paid off faster and that means looking forward at possibly achieving other things in our lives more quickly. While I refuse to let myself hope too much about it because I expect that the competition for it will be fierce, I am definitely interested in seeing how it goes.

But there is dinner simmering on the stove and I have to finish it off and eat then spend the night crocheting til I fall asleep.

New year, new...nothing.

So I wrote about wrecking my knee playing roller derby and at that point in time I was hopeful that I would be back on skates by Christmas. No such luck. I have gradauted from crutches to a cane, but I cannot walk long distances, stairs are awful (I live in an upstairs apartment), and there are still days when it hurts just like it did after I fell. I'm pretty sure that my roller derby days are over. That has made me very sad, but I have also had some time to come to grips with it and I think that as good as derby was for me at one point in my life, it may not be good for me anymore. I still miss it.

I also got incredibly depressed over Christmas. And then my moods started getting weird. And now I am just a mess. My insomnia is back in full force, I'm perma-exhausted it, I feel lonely even when I'm not alone, I'm more than sad, and I don't know how to change any of it. JD doesn't know how he can help me and I don't know if he can help me. And sometmes I get really up and manic and crazy, but manic does not equal happy. I also had a really bad episode of intrusive thoughts on Christms Day that basically ruined the entire day, even though we didn't do much. I wish I could have a Christmas like when I was kid one of these days, but I don't see that ever happening again. I haven't spent Christmas with Mom and Dad since I was in high school. Just another point of failure for me.

I am still looking for a job, but there is just nothing to be had in my field so it looks like I will have to start seeing about what else I can do that will pay me enough to live on because I do not feel like I will even be able to complete my contract this year due to some regulation changes. I am also branching out a bit geographically as well to see if there is anything in the nearest actual city that I can commute to. So far, I've found one thing, but given my lack of motivation I can't seem to get myself together long enough to go over my resume and write a cover letter to even apply. *sigh*

Hell, I am struggling to even stay motivated enough to finish this post. And I guess maybe I don't know what else to say. I dont know how to solve any of these problems. I feel like I can't solve them. I don't even know where to begin. I'm scared that things are going to reach the point where I get committed.

November ramblings

One entry in October. I pretty much fail at this whole blogging thing. Mostly because it tends to slips my mind that I should write. Maybe I will try to start setting aside time each week or every few days or something and put it on my calendar.

So I got back to my derby fitness group like I said I would and did my weight lifting research and two weeks into derby I fell and sprained my knee rather badly. I am still unable to walk without crutches for the most part and certainly can't skate or exercise really. I find it to be incredibly frustrating. And if I can't walk then I struggle even with simpler tasks like standing to cook or do dishes or get around the store. And that makes me feel helpless and I utterly detest feeling helpless.

And the knee injury has caused problems for me at work as there have been several missed days due to appointments and whatnot in addition to the mental strain this is causing which is also problematic. I have gotten so that I shake like a chihauhua a lot lately and I cannot find a concrete reason so I starting to think it is all just stress related and I feel like the stressors  I am dealing with are things that I cannot do much about. Or if they are things I can solve I will simply handle thm only to have new problems pop up in their place. If anyone wants to give me a couple grand in cash for my birthday coming up that would probably greatly alleviate some of my stress though.

I think one good thing that is coming of all m y stress though is that I am getting a lot of crochet done because it is one thing that quiets my hands so they don't shake so bad. Today, even typing is hard, but I am trying to slow down so I don't make mistakes and I am proofreading pretty closely as well so I can make needed corrections. Double letters seem to be my biggest downfall right now so don't mind an extra letter here or there if I do not catch it.

I am mostly just rambling now and not sure what there is to say. I don't want to rehash all the random things that are bugging me and the crochet project I am working on is a Christmas gift and since I'm not certain of my readership I won't say much about it, of course. I will be 30 soon and it amazes me that so many of my friends who have turned or are about to turn 30 are having such issues with the idea. Age is nothing more than a number. Sure, sometimes I have bad days where I feel awful, but often enough I have days where I forget that I'm not 25 still. *shrug* Despite my mental health issues and my current knee injury I'm not doing too bad, although I could stand some weight loss. And as soon as I can do so it is on the agenda for sure. At the rate my knee is healing I don't expect to be able to play roller derby next season as much as I would like to be able to do so and recognizing and accepting that seems to have been good for me. I think when I am cleared to workout again I will get back to the gym and back to the derby fitness group and focus on that for a bit. If I can do more then I will, but I am not going to push so hard that I risk reinjuring my knee. That just seems like a poor plan on my part.

The weather is turning cold and snowy already and I am wishing I could have just another month of fall. I'm not ready for snow. Granted, I am never ready for snow. And JD keeps threatening to throw me in a snowbank. Not cool. Well...cold, but whatever. I hate snow. That's never going to change. And since I am running out of odds and ends to prattle on about I think I will go back to my crochet. Or maybe take a nap. I am still tired even after plenty of sleep and I just feel kind of meh.

Hello Fall

So I absolutely skipped September. I was finishing up contrac hours for the first half of the month, as well as finishing out the season with my derby team as bench coach and may or may not have had time to think. When all of that was over i just needed to decompress and take some time to be with JD so we could talk and be together and we ended up growing a lot, even if some of our talks were stressful (because I am bad at talking.)

Now we are in COtober and the month started off a little nuts when JD woke me up at 730AM on a Saturday morning to tell me that I could not set foot in our bathroom. There was a swarm of European Hornets buzzing around. I peeked in the door and definitely agreed that I was not setting foot in the place. And we called the landlord, who called an exterminator. Several days later the bugs are mostly completely gone and I feel almost safe taking a shower. So that is good news after the crazy that was Bug War 3.

The bad for me is that I am struggling again with a nasty toothache because I was hoping that I could ignore it and it would go away. No such luck, however, and I am going to have to suck it up and call the dentist's office. I should probably do it tomorrow, but you know...avoiding things I don't wanna do is something I am really good at. JD helps me be better though because he isn't afraid to push me, no matter what the "thing" is.

Yesterday for example, I was really freaking out because of a new workout that I was going to be starting that lets me combine exercise with roller derby and is really awesome since I have gotten really out of shape since my skating days. Mind you, I was never in the best shape to begin with. But anyway, my anxiety was tripping me up and giving me fits and JD looks me dead in the face and tells me that I am going to do this, that I need to do this. Not because he wants me to lose weight or get in shape or anything. He wants me to exercise more simply so that my back will get a good stretch and the muscles will get used and I will have less back pain as a result. When I got home last night he poked at my back muscles and pronounced them to feel like "overproofed bread dough." And my back felt way better.

Even beyond that one single benefit though, he pushses me to go. Not because I am the best, not because I want to play roller derby again competitively, again, not because he thinks I'm fat or unattractive, or out of shape, although I would call myself at least two of those things and the fact that I don't call myself all three says that I have come a long way. But I am rambling as ususal. JD asked me last night, "Why are you going?" And I wasn't sure what he meant. He explained it to me that I was going to lace up my skates and play roller derby and exercise with a group of people of mixed skill level to be better. And not for any other reason. And that I was going to do it for me. Not for anyone else.

And that really stuck with me. Later on at the event another skater who has known me for several years told me essentially the same thing and said that I had done well (she knows how out of shape I let myself get) and encouraged me to keep pushing and do it for me. So hearing from both the most important man in my life who isn't my father and from someone that I call a friend was really good for me I think.

Today I am researching proper weightlifting form and technique and I will start that maybe this weekend when I don't feel like I have been hit by a truck with a license plate that say RLRDBY. It's my own fault though...skating til I thought my legs were gonna give out, stopping to rest when I had no choice, and then skating some more. I don't have a stubborn bone in my body. Not at all. :)

And that has been my skipped September and my early October. Hopefully I will keep up with my writing more, but I am also back on a crochet kick (which also mad me forget September) and I have a project I am working on now that I want to get done and then I will start making some Christmas gifts that I can hopefully complete quickly. But now...dinner because my man can cook!!!

Change, Growth, Progress, Hope

I have been really anxious for the last several days and I had some trouble pinpointing exactly why. It is incredibly frustrating and I am not sure what the cause may be or if I need to look at making adjustments to my medication. I still frequently wish that I could just be normal and not have to struggle with this, but that just doesn’t seem like it is going to happen. For better, for worse, for the rest of my life I will fight with my mental illness.

But suddenly that does seem quite so bad anymore. JD and I both had a rough weekend and it resulted is some depression and anxiety on both our parts. That led to us having some more long, honest talks and it is amazing the things we can learn just by doing so. Communication is always something I have been kind of awful at (at least if I am having a face to face conversation) but I have been forced to get better if I want this relationship to work. And I do very much.  So I am trying. And we are growing together as individuals and as a couple. It is absolutely wonderful to be perfectly honest.
And I learned something that I should have already known, but because it wasn’t something I had ever really experienced before in my entire life I missed it completely. It was literally something that is just integral to our relationship and I couldn’t see it or feel it happening all around me. It was so glaringly obvious that even JD agreed with my assessment of my own stupidity on the specific matter. He doesn’t really think I am stupid, of course, but for him to have agreed with me even a little shows  just how big of a deal this is for me and for us.

Additionally, I am coming up on the end of my 2^nd AmeriCorps term and have been looking for a job where I can keep learning and growing as a professional. That doesn’t mean that I am definitely leaving where I am at, but I do have an interview at another local company tomorrow that I am a bit nervous about.  I have been doing some prep work for it and trying to come up with some good answers to wide a variety of questions that I may be asked and I am going to see what questions I might want answered as well. It is important to me that I do well on this interview even if I do not get the job.
The 2014 season for my local derby league is coming to our close and after our final bout we will have a significant amount of time off. I am not sure what exactly I am going to do about staying involved next season as there has been some drama that I just don’t want to have to deal with if it continues. Also, I am still not in shape to skate, although I would have quite some time to work on it in the off season. And I am seeing where some of our retired skaters may be making a return to the track as well so I am interested how that goes since that could influence my decision. Of course, having a job where I can afford to pay dues is also going to influence my decision so we will have to see how things go.

I obviously can’t tell the future and I do not know how things will go, but right now I am very hopeful that life will only keep getting better. I am feeling secure enough to really, really take a good long hard look at how my life is going to go with JD in it. I have never doubted that he would leave me, but I had fears that I wasn’t good enough or that I asked for too much from him and since this weekend those fears have been greatly allayed. And that lifts a weight off of my shoulders that I didn’t even quite realize was there.

But despite my mental health issues and my body issues and everything else that I stress over and worry about, I feel like I am starting to grow and change and improve again as a person and I haven’t felt that way in a long time and it is a good feeling. I know that I will have bad days where I don’t make any progress and I may even lose some ground, but I am still fighting for the good days to outnumber the bad and I think I will get there eventually.

Thoughts on Expose with Jes Baker and Liora K

So I have been trying to learn to love myself after having gained roughly 75-100 pounds. And it has been very difficult for me. I have always struggled with my body image and gaining a lot of weight has only made those issues worse. I will allow, however, that having a wonderful man who loves me for me and not for what I look like, who makes no judgments about my body, does help more than I can explain. Even if I have to remind myself that it is OK for him to love me the way I am because he sees me far differently than I see myself. I frequently wish that I could see myself the way that he sees me. That would be incredibly different and probably really helpful for my self-image.

I have also been following Jes Baker of www.themilitantbaker.com and working on leaning my own #bodylove as well as semi keeping up with Whitney Way Thore and the No BS campaign (http://nobodyshame.com/) Hopefully being able to follow these two amazing women and see how they are successful regardless of their size and how they love themselves (again) regardlss of their size) will help me as I keep trying to accept and love my body. I am still hoping to get back into the gym once I my life settles down a bit, but whether I do or I don't, I still want to learn to love me for me.

The latest offering from Jes Baker is linked below and it is a photo project that she has done with Liora K called Expose: Shedding Light on Collective Beauty It made me stop and think for a moment about my body and how I feel about it and wonder if I would have been brave enough to have gone and posed in my underwear with almost 100 other people. And the answer was a definite no.

Then, I thoguht a little harder about it and I became aware that 100 pounds/two years ago I would have probably done this. I might have been anxoius about it or worried or nervous or whatever, but I would have done it. And I would have done it with pizzazz if not style. And now I wonder, what changed? Is it simply the weight gain? And why would I have done it before when I had no one to tell me I was fabulous, but I won't do it now, when I have that someone in my corner? I really don't have an answer for these questions right now. Perhaps I will at some point. But I hope that someone, anyone sees this and is moved by it. And if you are that someone and you want to reach out to another person who struggles, feel free.

I can find beauty in anyone that I see. Except myself. And the women of Expose are beautiful. Every single one of them. But I cannot see myself in them.