Summer update

So I haven't been doing a super great job at keping up with my tumblr that is supposed to help my body issues (that is turning into a ex positive tumblr) and I have been just as bad at keeping up with my writing on here.

Lots of hours at the office, plus derby has ben pretty tiring. And being back into derby and dealing with the drama and whatnot has also been rather tiring. I am thinking about walking away again, but it just breaks my hert to leave it. At the same time I don't know if I can keep dealing with it. i just want to be part of a league/team where I can skate and play derby and promote and not have all the crazy shit that goes on. I understand that there is always drama, but if eveyone who helps out or is involved could just be treated decently, regadless of their sex/gender/whatever that would be great.

Anyway, I am still working quite a bit, no gym, and I am on track to make my contract even though I was out yesterday with JD for a dr appointment and I was out today because I just could NOT function when I got up this morning. I was shaky and sick feeling and had not slept well enough to have driven at all. And I knew that if I slept I was not going to wake up in any sort of time to make it to the office. So I emailed the boss and went back to bed. I woke up about 330pm. Tomorrow I am off because we are supposed to go stargazing tonight and I knew that I would be up late. But I may have misjudged the peak of the meteor shower (it might have been last night) and we wouldn't have seen anything anyway because STORMS. We had some power outage issues and JD thought his monitor was friend, but it does not appear to have been since he is currently using it. He did just mention to me that it is damanged from the storm, but not dead...yet. So hopefully we can find a way to get him a new monitor, but I know how difficult he can be about things like this and I am going to try very hard not to push him because it just stresses him out. And we don't need that.

Especially not since we have both been sick. I got a cold, he caught my cold, and I think it is turning into pneumonia for him. Not fun. And he is having some dental issues that are miserable because toothaches suck. That is out life in a nutshell. Oh...and we also celebrate two years this week. We dubbed the 12th as being our anniversary, but it could basicaly be the 13th as well because we went stargazing on our first date (hence the reason for trying to catch the Perseids shower every year.) But yeah...life goes on. I will finish my contract and either stay where I am or get my ass in gear and find a new job ASAP. And I don't know which yet, but I need to hurry up and figure it out because my contract ends next month. But my own mental health and whatnot has made me procrastinate somewhat. I wish I could be normal and boring and not have these issues. Mental illness sucks.

10:52pm June 3rd, 2014

I have been trying to write a blog post for several weeks now and I haven’t once finished it in a timely enough manner that I wanted to post it. Here goes…(again)

I have been fighting with my weight and body image for a while and fighting with feeling as though I am not sexy or desirable. And I know that a lot of this ties into the fact that I am surrounded by and bombarded with images of what society deems to be attractive and I don’t fit any of those stereotypes.  My solution has been to start a private tumblr where I can focus on non-mainstream ideals of beauty and sexiness and desirability. So far it seems to be helping. Hopefully I can keep up with it and it will be helpful.

I have been back on skates several times lately and I feel better about it every time I lace up. I have not made it into the gym though. I am doing a good job of not beating myself up about that. Between work and derby I am spending easily 60 hours a week doing this outside of my house. Sometimes I just want to sit at home and veg. But I do need to keep trying to make an effort. I will get there.

Meanwhile, I am working, working, working. I have a set number of hours on my contract and I want to have it complete no later than probably the 12^th of September (it officially ends on the 16^th.) So far I have been holding my own to get the hours that I need and while it is going to make for some long weeks I am not feeling nearly as drained by this as I was when I did ALL those hours in one month last year. I am still watching the want ads for a job, but if nothing materializes then I will stay here until something does. And maybe a full-time spot will open here. That would be pretty excellent.

JD and I have had some rather long and introspective conversations as of late and it has been really good for us to have had these talks. I think we are continuing to grow as a couple and it is wonderful. We have some plans for next weekend since I am doing derby stuff this weekend and the following weekend and things are progressing about as well as I think they can be.  We are coming up on two years together in August and there are some days that it seems like forever and other days when two years seems impossible. Here’s to many, many more.

And after several weeks of trying to write I have managed to complete a blog post. I think I will email it to myself and put it up on the blog later since I am at the office right now. It is 530pm on June 2, 2014. How long before I remember to post this one? LOL (And the answer is roughly 29.5 hours from the time of completion.)

Further discoveries of self

So I am over my sad about missing Texas (although I admit I will still miss it) and I am trying to get back into the swing of being me again. I have noticed over the last few months as I settle into a good routine with my meds and try to get enough sleep and eat better (that last one still needs TONS of work) I am getting back to a person that I was a long time ago.

If anyone that reads this knows me from high school and remembers the IDGAF attitude that I sported for those 4 years, that attitude is definitely starting to make a comeback. Two of the biggest things that I have noticed about myself in this regard are the fact that I don’t really care if people look at me and think I’m fat (that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be healthier) and that I have returned to being much more outspoken than I had been. I don’t think either of these are bad changes in my life.

I am looking at getting more involved with the local roller derby league again and doing something other than announcing, but it will be a bit before I know for sure what I am doing. Skating isn’t back on the radar quite yet. But I have finally figured out WHY I keep saying I am going to go to the gym and then I flake out on it. Long story short I pretty much hate any kind of cardio that isn’t fun so that leaves me with skating and some biking. I don’t actually own a bike and riding a stationary is NOT the same. And since I’m not ready to skate yet, what is a girl to do?

I mean I can beat the hell out of myself on the elliptical trying to lose a pound or two but it isn’t going to be terribly effective if I half ass it because I’m bored. Or I can look at ways to use weight training as cardio and do something I find enjoyable that helps me gain muscle and shed pounds when I combine with better eating habits. And as I do those things I will feel more like me and more ready to get back on my skates with the newer skaters and get my skills back. Even if I choose not to return to competitive derby I will feel better and enjoy myself just getting to skate. So I think is going to be a goal that I work towards. I am also going to eventually see about learning to lift free weights in addition to the body weight stuff that I can do at home without the gym. And maybe yoga, but that remains to be seen. I feel like maybe I am being almost too ambitious, but I think that is fear talking to me and I am going to tell fear to go the hell away and STFU!

No matter what I do I will never be skinny and there will always be people out there that will call me fat or ugly or too this or too that and not all of those things will be favorable comparisons. I just can’t waste my time caring about that crap any more. I don’t have the energy for it and I want to be able to get a good night’s sleep instead of being restless and worried and scared. So I am going to finally do something about it.

Texan til I die

Every time I take a trip home it always breaks my heart to leave. It seems like it must be true that you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl. I’d give anything if I could move in the fall when my contract is up, but I know that JD would be miserable in Texas and I just do not want to do that to him. I’d like for us to find a place to live that we can both agree on, but we have such different climate preferences that I don’t know if that is going to work.  I feel like we are going to end up in a place where one of us is less than happy. And that sucks…

He has indicated that he will follow me to Texas if that is really what I want, but that just seems so unfair to me and bothers me on a level that I struggle to comprehend. And I get scared that he would go with me to Texas and then decide that he was terribly unhappy and it would cause problems between us. That isn’t something that I want.

Annoyingly enough, however, because I am so stressed about coming back here from Texas and wanting so badly to go back that I am having some very strange dreams about what might have been if I had taken a different path that didn’t include getting married at 18. And those dreams are weighing heavy on my mind for some reason. I think it is only natural for people to wonder what might have been if they had lived differently, but I’m so depressed at being back in NY that I am having a hard time shaking the memory of those dreams. I don’t want to give up what I have now and I certainly have no intention of doing so. My subconscious mind is just acting up because I miss Texas.

Of course, my subconscious mind is also feeding into my sexual fantasies and poking me about what it might have been like with a certain male friend if one of us would have had the guts to speak up a decade ago and suggest that maybe we should date. Apparently said friend feels the same way about me, but neither of us ever had the courage to act. And at this point I’m not willing to give up what I have for what might have been and he is a good enough friend that he wouldn’t dream of seriously asking that of me.  So we will both be left to wonder, but it will go no further.

Reaching for normal

I have been doing better and better lately at taking my meds and not being a mess (although I forgot them yesterday morning and I was mostly OK) and I have also decided that accepting my body for what it is should be something that I focus on. It all kind of clicked in my head when I was really sick last week that the time and energy I was wasting on hating myself just wasn’t worth it. So I’m working on changing my outlook.

 And in addition to that I am also looking at trying to remove negative people, attitudes, and forces from my life. I am negative enough on my own and I don’t need to be surrounded by a bunch of people are negative especially living in a community where negativity is the norm. Instead I will work to be less negative (notice that I did NOT say more positive J ) and to let negativity that I happen to encounter out and about not get to me.

 My tattoo craving has been in high gear lately and I have been really doing some looking about what I want to do about getting new tattoos and repairing some of the ones that I feel like could use some brightening up. I am also looking at finding some new artists to work with because I am tired of all the drama that seems to pop up at local shops. I have a list of pieces that I want to get and I am always adding to or changing the list. Currently I am trying to decide what I want to put on my feet and where I want to put the teapot that I am looking at getting as well. And I just had a flash of inspiration and it looks like I will be getting words tattooed on both feet, but may or may not add any kind of flowers or design or anything. I’m sure on that point yet, but I will keep puzzling over them.

 And I am out of crazy tattoo stuff and positivity to share for the moment so I’m packing up and moving on with my day. More another time!

Written 2/24 and Posted 2/25 cause I forgot to post yesterday! Oops!

My weekend was mostly quiet. I spent Saturday picking up some extra hours at the office and then did a bit of fabric dyeing later in the day. I still have stains on my hands from the dye, but they aren’t too bad. I keep saying I will buy a pair of rubber gloves and then I forget to pick them up. Oops! I need to run the dress and pair of jeans through a washer to remove any excess dye then the dress will need to have the buttons replaced. Joy. I hate sewing buttons. Although after getting dressed this morning I am hoping that said dress still fits me as the new jeans that I bought in a 22 and assumed would fit me because m 24s are too big are a little on the tight side. That made me a little sad and frustrated and I am wondering if I can get enough gym time in over the next few weeks to shed even a tiny bit of weight to make them fit a smidge better.

Anyway…so I dyed some clothing and am annoyed at buttons, but I also completed my first pair of galaxy shoes that I painted myself. They aren’t bad, but I am seriously thinking I am going to buy a couple more pairs of cheap shoes and some more paint and try again at least one and possibly twice and see what happens. I will still wear the first pair that I did after I have finished them with a spray sealant, but I want to see if I can improve upon my technique and do better. I also might try a different technique for a similar look on a pair of white shoes, because why not!

Tonight I need to stop at the local fresh produce/deli place, run to Walmart for cat food (Colt monster likes his new food much better and is about to get put on portion control before he gets any fatter), and I think JD and I may grab pizza for dinner. Yes, I know pizza for dinner won’t help me lose any weight, but I cannot eat healthy ALL the time. That said…


I need to start eating healthy again and really work at trying to moderate my portions while staying full enough that I don’t feel the urge to graze. I also need to get back on my liquid intake and with warmer weather coming I will probably get back into more smoothies and that may also be helpful if I can find a good way to make them that is less sugar heavy. I will have to rally do some looking and see what I can do. I know that I go through phases where I say that I am tired of being fat and that I need to make all these changes and they have never stuck, but I feel like eventually that I have to start getting better about taking care of myself and having JD to help me seems to really make a difference.

On the down note of my weekend as I was painting my shoes yesterday I realized that I was shaking very, very hard. Dropping paint brushes and dripping paint kind of hard. But I was so focused on painting my shoes that these were only minor annoyances and I was almost in a frenzy of creativity. And then I finished my shoes and really noticed just how bad I was shaking. It made me feel really out of control so I went and found JD and he laid in bed with me for probably an hour just holding me so that I could try and calm down. It still took a while and I was jittery  off and on for most of the evening and I appear to be a bit faster than usual this morning as well so hopefully I will settle down as the day wears on.

Finally..an update!

So I have been incredibly, super, mega bad about keeping up with my blog lately. I’ve written at least 3 posts that never made it any further than my desktop because I was just too lazy to publish them. But since they were mostly written when I really depressed or in a mixed state there was a lot of whining in them.  Maybe it is better that I didn’t get around to posting them. I don’t know.

Things have been pretty low key. I haven’t noticed any major mood changes with the meds I am currently on (tegretol was added at the appt. before last if I didn’t mention that) and at my last apt. I was told to try taking my Prozac in the AM and also had blood work ordered that I need to get done before my next appointment in March.

Also in March I am going to visit family that I haven’t seen in several years and JD will be joining me to meet them. I know it is going to be incredibly hard and stressful for him so I have tried to do what I can to alleviate as much worry for him as possible. And I am incredibly grateful that he is going with me. It really does mean a lot and I don’t think I can explain to him just how much it means to me. I’m not even sure that there are words in the English language to convey how I feel about it. Mom and I are considering matching tattoos if we can come up with something that we can agree upon.

 I keep telling myself that I need to go to the gym and try to lose even 5 pounds before the trip. I’ve been telling myself that I need to go to the gym since the first of the year though and it hasn’t happened yet. Part of it is largely due to my own lack of motivation that I suffer with as a part of my mental health issues and the other part has more to do with the weather being cold and miserable and awful and I don’t want to leave the house or go to the gym because gym clothes aren’t terribly warm. So basically I need to suck it the hell up and go to the gym. Five pounds in a month doesn’t seem like a lot, but if that is ALL I lost that would be 60 pounds in a year. This means that in two years if all I did was lose fat and not gain muscle I would be at a healthier weight that I wouldn’t hate quite so much. However, even with muscle gains I would still be healthier even at a higher weight. After all, the number on the scale doesn’t determine my self-worth. I don’t have gym gear with me today (hell, I don’t even know where it is) and I might not find it tonight or tomorrow, but I really need to recognize that taking care of myself both physically and mentally should be more of a priority in my life.

So with that said I need to get my ass back on the gym wagon and start going. Also, a former teammate told me that I should come and skate at fresh meat nights with her for derby and offered to give me rides to the rink if I don’t have gas so there is also that. It would be something nice to get back into even if I am starting all over as a freshie. And really if I can get my body back to a point that I think I can skate again then I might be a better skater than I was before just because I will be getting a refresher on all those skills and really working harder to improve them because I do want derby back. The fear I have here is that I am going to go skate and start getting back into things and then crash and burn like I have the last few times that I have tried to do derby. So I’m going to take it slow and ease my way back into things. I don’t have a choice anymore. Managing the stress in my life has to become a priority or I simply shut down and can’t function normally. I am pretty damn tired of not being able to function like a normal human being. I want my life back.