So there is a new derby league forming in the area (there was an interest meeting Tuesday night) and since I am tired of the drama. and nonsense in the league I originally skated with I was looking into joining said new league. So on Wednesday night I went back to the roller derby fitness group that is NOT league affiliated. And I cannot skate. I cried. Like seriously. At the rink, in my car, and again when I got home. Apparently I have shin splints they think that skating is stupid. And despite having started a new gym routine just a few days before this I was devastated. Not because I had expected less than a week in the gym to really help, but just because I am making these plans to work this hard and get back on skates and do something that I love and then...well...fail. It was frustraing and made me angry at myself, depressed, sad, and anxious that I'll never get my skates back and moving the way I want.
So I was exhausted Thrusday because of my emotional roller coaster ride and basically slept from the time I got home around 6 pm Thrusday night til the time I had to get up for work Friday am. Then I came home Friday and was so depressed and apathetic that I couldn't be bothered to eat, much less go to the gym. And then, of course, I felt bad for not going to the gym. Nasty loop to get stuck in. But instead of hitting that loop and being stuck in it for days or weeks and screwing my gym plan that I have going I got myself back together and after a nice, quiet, and lazy day spent with JD around the house, followed by dinner, I went to the gym and worked out. At midnight. And it was glorious. I made sure to stretch well, climbed a few feet on the Jacob's Ladder, walked on the treadmill as best I could for about 10 minutes, and then lifted weights like a beast! I detest cardio, unless there are wheels on my feet, but I know that doing it, even for short bits of time at low speeds until I get stronger, better, and faster is good for me. I also know that OVERDOING it is a bad idea. So when I felt my shins starting to tighten up and pull I pushed just enough to get that 10 minute mark and I stopped. I stretched my shins back out a bit, let them ease down from being annoyed and started my lifting routine.
I am doing 5x5s and since I missed a couple days I did a bit extra on top of my regular set, but again didn't want to overdo things. That said, discovering that I can both curl and row 40 pounds was cool. Next time I benchpress I think I will go for 40 there as well. Even better was deadlifting 55 pounds, several times, with improving form. Given my size I know that these numbers may seen low and they might be, but I would much rather start too low and get better form than start too high/fast and hurt myself because I have shitty form. And I expect that I will likely plateau soon on pretty much everything, but I am fine with that. It is still progress. If I get stuck at a 60 pound squat and spend two or three workouts getting up to my 5x5s, but then suddenly I can do 65, well clearly that is progress. That said, I think eventually, if I stick with lifting I am going to really make some gains and be able to handle some heavy weight. But I know that it takes time. I am finally making progress with the idea that fitness takes time. It took too many years for this to sink in all the way. And I hate having to fight with own apathy, depression, and other mental health issues to keep moving. Sometimes (often) that is harder than the workouts I do.
But I am doing it and I want to keep doing it. I feel like lifting weights to start, where I can see my improvements faster and adding cardio at a pace I can handle is going to work out better in the long term for me. Because I do very well if I can see progress and lifting progressively higher weights is progress even if I don't see or feel weight loss. Although, I did notice earlier that my butt is already firming up a tiny bit from the squats. I laughed about it for probably 20 minutes. That's what I call progress!!
Anyway, doing things my way, even if it isn't typical or how other people would do it or anything else and having it work for me is what matters. I had an entire conversation with myself on the way home about it. And I felt good. And I want to keep feeling good. Here's to progress, big lifts, and getting rolling.
Of course, to get rolling again I need new pads that I don't have the money for. This makes me sad. But it means that I can take a month or two to focus on my fitness while I save gear money. Then I can go back to another night of derby fitness and see how my shins are healing and have appropriate gear and if things look/feel/roll better, well then I can pay my dues and officially get back to playing roller derby. Here's hoping things go so smoothly.