Monday, July 29, 2013


As of today I have 5 weeks to work 300+ hours at one job in order to fulfill my contract and be guaranteed to earn enough in student loan payments to cover the cost of roughly a quarter of my loans. This means I am about to become a very busy girl and I probably won't have time to think, much less write. Upon realizing what a short time frame I have left I started off my final push for hours by working a 12 hour day today. Tomorrow and the next I should get about 10 and I can do 12 or more on the next two days. And, yes, I can go in and work on the weekends so I can do full Saturdays and partial Sundays.

Of course, we are going to be moving this month (we got that apartment I was being so impatient about seeing) and my lack of foresight and planning (or ability to listen to JD) means that he is probably going to get stuck handling the move all by himself. In fact, I should not be sitting here writing because I should be in the other room sorting and packing. The thing that upsets me most about this hours crunch is that through my own stupidity/fuck uppery I've managed to ruin the plans we had for our first anniversary together. JD is wonderfully understanding, but it breaks my heart and I'm so angry at myself over it that I want to hit things. But I made a promise that I would try to be better and not do that.

I'm off to get stuff done I suppose. We'll see how things go...

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Derby Woes

By the time I got home tonight after working all day then buying some groceries my feet were burning and swollen and I was starting to have trouble walking from the amount of pain I was in. Typically, I handle pain pretty well so this was distressing. it was made more distressing because there was a time in the not so distant past that I could spend hours on sksates and my feet didn't swrell and hurt as bad as they did earlier today.

Which means that I'm starting to wonder if my feet are just shot and if I will ever be able to actually skate again in a way that will allow me to play roller derby. I'm so upset by the thought of not getting to skate again that I can't even look at the pictures from the bout last night that my team skated in. I want to cry every time I try to look at them. I am incredibly proud of my teammates and what they are accomplishing, but I miss it more than words can describe.

I try very hard not to let it get to me and if I am announcing at a bout it is much easier for me to watch and call the action than it is for me to simply be there as a fan and watch. I get very down watching instead of announcing because I want so badly to be out there and to be part of the action. *sigh*

Unfortunately, my mental health isn't where it needs to be and I am still running blind regarding my physical health. I do have an appointment scheduled though to start trying to get that all sorted out so if I'm lucky I will make enough progress to maybe get back on skates sometime during the off season. I'm not holding out much hope that I will be able to bout a full season next year, because I feel like in order for me to be at the level I need to be at for that I should be well into getting myself in shape and not still trying to piece this puzzle together. I might prove myself wrong if I can get a handle on what is going on with me and I'd like nothing better than to do just that. At the same time I am terrified and overwhelmed a little bit because I have watched how the level of play has progressed this season and I just don't know if I can make it back into the game. I suppose that if I'm lucky I will get to find out and if I'm not lucky I will eventually have to consider hanging up my skates for good....

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Angry rant

Grrrrrrrr....I'm incredibly frustrated at everything this afternoon. My day started off well enough and I was looking forward to going and viewing a possible new apartment tonight. I had Arby's for lunch, didn't feel like total crap (only partial cause of my cramps) and might actually get some work done today.

I get back to my desk after lunch and JD sends me a message letting me know that the LL of the place we are going to see needs to re-schedule for tomorrow night because the tenant is still cleaning the place out.

Trigger absolutely ridiculous, almost insane levels of sheer anger and frustration and annoyance. Because now not only have my plans for this evening been screwed up, but it also messes up my plans for TOMORROW as well. A reasonable person would say well just do one set of plans tonight and go look at the apartment tomorrow (which is now the plan) but since I didn't plan for having to swap my plans that means that I didn't bring the steam cleaner to work with me today because I thought I would be using it tomorrow night. I also didn't get any groceries last night because we were going to be doing it tonight after we saw that apartment. So tonight I'm going to have to work late here, go home, get the steamer, come back here, do a section of the carpets, and then finally go get groceries (or go pick up JD and go get groceries; I'm not sure yet).

Basically it throws everything off just enough to piss me off to absolutely no end and JD (bless his adorable heart) is trying to just be reasonable and point out to me that this isn't the end of the world and that we should try to focus on the fact that even though things are stressful and crazy we have options and whatnot. But he is quite logical and didn't take into account how illogical my angry attitude would be. So I got angrier and angrier (not at him) and kept fuming about it until he just stopped chatting with me.

Now that I'm (kind of) starting to get over my pissy fit I'm realizing that I am exhausted because I wore myself out being angry and I'm starting to feel a little worse because I'm still crampy and hurty on top of now being incredibly tired. But I still have another 4 or more hours worth of things to do. Awesome. Just fucking awesome.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Today was not so very good. I slogged through my job at the office barely able to do anything beyond sit and stare at my computer. I got almost no work done because I couldn't focus through the fog that has been leaving me in a near constant daze.

I feel like my coworkers are judging me based on my lack of productivity as well as my poor showing at the 5k over the weekend. And I feel like they don't know what is going on my life so maybe they shouldn't be that way. of course, maybe it's all in my paranoid little head. At any rate, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my one job because there won't be funding or because of the way I think I'm being judged and I'm afraid my other job might fire me because it is nearly impossible for me to handle working there. The idea of not having a job or any prospects for a job is scary...a lot scary.

I'm no closer to knowing what might be wrong with me physically and mentally I feel that I'm getting worse, but I haven't been able to reach the nurses at CCMH since I played phone tag with them last week and the idea of trying to find a PCP causes extra stress because the wait times in this town are awful for doctors and I want to know what is wrong with me now so I can fix it.

Everything on my mind about the things I wrote above, money, bills, derby, and general life stress has been pushing me so hard that by the time I got home today I was at a breaking point. If JD hadn't been home this afternoon I honestly feel like I would've done something and hurt myself. And I'm not sure I would've stopped. Now, I know that people who admit to this sort of thing are "only doing it for attention" according to the experts, but I have no reason to lie about this. Not here, not where almost no one reads what I write.
I feel like there are very few people who would miss me if I were gone and that those that might miss me would probably be better off if I weren't around to be a nuisance.

That said, JD let me sob and cry and shake and be absolutely miserable for...I hour or more and the whole time he was right there, holding onto me, reminding me that he loves me, and doing his damnedest to make sure that I was OK, that I was going to be OK. I still wish that I weren't so broken and damaged, that I knew how to fix myself, that I could see a way for things to start getting better, even if it was just something small.

Instead, I'm going to do my best to keep trusting him and loving him and believing him when he tells me that I'm worth it and he loves me and he won't give up on me. I'm still feeling rather down as a write tonight, but I do want to be better, even if I don't know how to be.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Free writing over the span of an hour

2:13pm 7/22/2013

*sigh* I still don’t feel well and I’m actually feeling kind of miserable about now. The internet is down (apparently it is an issue with our provider) here at the office and I can’t access my time program so I can get into my case files. Since that’s what I need to get much of anything done, I figured at the very least I could record my thoughts in a doc and then email it to myself later.
My mood has grown increasingly darker as the day has worn on. I feel like the world is out to get me/hates me as much as I hate myself. Obviously JD is the exception here, but for him I just feel like he is a wonderful person who deserves more than his crazy girlfriend can give him. He wants me to be better and honestly, I want to be better too, but it is so hard for me to keep moving forward and working towards change when I can’t see any progress being made.
It feels futile to even bother right now and I’m mostly typing for something to do at this point. Granted, I do need to work on my writing skills and my typing skills can always use some practice so I can always look at this as an exercise in self-improvement of some sort even if it isn’t the type of improvement I would like to have in my life.
One of the things that is weighing me down today is my body image and weight and general dissatisfaction with myself in terms of how I look and how society perceives me. And while I know that I shouldn’t be bothered with how other people see me sometimes I am. It is simply a part of me to some extent that has been beaten into my head by the media, my family, my classmates, and sometimes even my peers now that I am an adult. I read a post earlier today on reddit that talked about a woman who was so disgusted with her own body image that she was sobbing in a dressing room at the sight of herself in a full length mirror. It worked out in the end because there was an employee of the store who didn’t quite meet the standards that the world said she needed to meet, but was beautiful and rocked it with some serious self-confidence and apparently she was able to help the self-hating woman see herself in an entirely different light. I realized that I am that self-hating woman in many respects.
I have tried for years and years not to be and I have done things to work on myself self-esteem and have a positive body image and sometimes I have been able to do so and even felt like I was doing it well. But in the last few months I have slipped back a lot as my health has devolved to the point that I feel anywhere from mildly off to full on miserable and feeling like that makes it easier for me to see myself as some kind of monster. I see myself looking tired and worn down and gaining weight for reasons that I cannot name and it just makes me so damn sad and unhappy. But it seems like whatever I try to do isn’t enough.  And eventually I just want to give up because I don’t make (at least not to myself) any progress to getting any better. It’s a loop that I haven’t been able to completely and successfully break for a very long time and I’m not sure if I ever will.  I want to break from my writing for a moment to go grab a drink and a muffin from the little store across the street, but I know that eating muffins will just make me feel worse about myself cause I’m a fatty and don’t need the calorie laden sugar bomb that is a muffin. However, I did go over and got some juice and a small snack that wasn’t a calorie laden bomb and I feel a tiny bit more alert. And since it’s not a 400 calorie muffin then maybe I can have some ice cream or a glass of wine or something tonight without guilting myself into feeling like a total cow.
It’s 3pm and the internet is still down at work. I was snacking on a plum at lunch and the color of the flesh against the darkness of the skin made me want a tattoo for some reason. And since I seem to have a bent for feminine and floral tattoos I’m now considering the idea of working my lotus tattoo and a plum blossom tattoo together somehow. My next one will still be the one I want on my ribcage and after chatting with a local artist I’m expecting it to cost me roughly $200 or a bit more. Not too bad really so I’m going to start saving some pennies towards that. It would be even better if I could save some pennies AND get myself put back together so I can go back to getting my gym on so that when I finally get the tattoo I will look better than I do now and not be afraid to absolutely rock that shit.
As for body mods, I stretched my earlobes up to a four gauge last week and they look really good. JD indicated to me that right now the size ratio of my ears to the size of my jewelry is in a good place and I should probably stop where I’m at if I want to be able to maintain a professional look for my job. I agree that he has a point and I know that I can’t get outrageously large, but I almost want to go up just one more size to a 2 because that is the smallest size that a lot of really cool, pretty jewelry comes in. I can somehow picture him telling me that he will get me pretty jewelry in whatever size I like if I were to present that argument to him. J And my piercer thinks the micro dermal in my hand is a bad idea so between her and JD if they can convince me that it is a truly awful idea then maybe I won’t get that one. I still want it though. And I’m still getting the one at the base of my dragonfly one day. That is just a given. My running list of tattoos and body mods that I want just keeps getting bigger and bigger though and I don’t see that as a bad thing, but I have no idea if I will ever complete the list of things that I want done because they are a costly habit/addiction.  I think I will probably go thru the list and try to see if I can determine a most wanted order, but that is also likely to change over time so I can’t see that being a hard and fast thing that I would stick to.
And now that my internet is finally back up at my office…an hour later…I’m going to try and get back to work and get some things done in my last couple hours of the day.

Good things

Ok, so now that I've vented regarding my medical issues I'm moving on to other topics.

Apartment hunting is still ongoing, but there is one that we are interested in that we should be able to go see soon. We called as soon as we got the info about it and the landlord said he would call us back over the weekend if he got a chance, otherwise we should give him a call today so JD will handle that this afternoon. Hopefully we can go see it soon and hopefully it will work out perfectly because the location and price are both fantastic. I might also be able to have two cats, but since I haven't seen grey girl all weekend I'm starting to think that something must have happened to her. Depressing really, but I'm trying to think that maybe she was sick and that if that was the case then I made her last few weeks better even if I couldn't keep her. I refuse to dwell on the thought that something bad and painful happened because if I do I will cry.

Derby announcing is going well and I may get an opportunity to announce for a larger league in a nearby city. With the health problems I am having I don't know if or when I will be able to return successfully to skating so I'm going to use announcing as a way to continue to be a part of derby. I still want to return to skating and I'm finding that it is very hard for me to watch a bout and just watch because I want to be out there so badly.

And JD and I are coming up on a year together. We aren't going to be doing anything terribly extravagant because we know that we have bills to pay and we're (mostly) responsible adults, but I know that going star-gazing is on the agenda and we have briefly talked about going out to dinner, but we probably won't go nuts with it. We're also going to be doing photographs at some point and I'm sure that with my dislike of having my picture taken along with his that we are going to end up getting some funny shots before we relax enough to get anything usable. Hopefully we can get those done in the fall with all the turning leaves and whatnot.

Other than rants about my job(s) I can't think of much else worth sharing and I don't think my rants are really worth sharing so I'm going to call it done and eventually something really exciting and fun will happen for me to share. Or not...

Random medical post

So I thought I was doing OK, but in the last few weeks my health has taken a strange turn. I don't even know what exactly is wrong with me, but I feel off enough that I've stopped going to the gym or skating, I spend much of my free time sleeping, and much of my waking time wishing I was asleep because I'm so tired that I struggle to stay awake. I also experience dizziness, feel off-balance, get short of breath, and generally feel awful. My feet and ankles swell to annoyingly uncomfortable levels, I've gained weight (maybe it's a ton of water weight and will melt off quickly when I figure out the problem), but I have no appetite much of the time. But when I do eat I seem to be able to eat massive amounts of food without feeling ill which isn't normal for me either.

None of these symptoms/feelings point to any one health problem so I'm trying to find a primary care doctor who will order lab work and help me figure out why I feel so bad and then help me get better. The problem is that the wait time to get in and see a doctor (especially as a new patient) can have a wait time of two to three months and maybe more. I don't want to spend the rest of summer and part of the fall feeling this way. I want my life back.

And on top of my physical health I'm struggling with my mental health again as well. When I was at the psych's office earlier this month we made some medication adjustments trying to figure out what was causing my extreme fatigue (I've since began to wonder if it isn't something physical), but screwing with my meds meant that they weren't working terribly effectively and that on top of all of my other misery made me decide that I couldn't deal with everything all at once and I just gave up on my medications. I weaned myself off of them properly and went about my life. I'm still incredibly tired so maybe I was right about it being something not medication related.

I'm in the process of trying to find a regular doctor AND have been trying to reach the nurses at CCMH to speak with them regarding my psych care and how I can try to handle things. I'm also still apartment hunting, announcing at roller derby, and trying to lead the best life I can despite all of the problems I keep encountering.

Friday, July 5, 2013

I'm the only one and I walk alone

I am incredibly depressed today and have been since sometimes yesterday. I don't recall when I noticed it, but it is only spiraling deeper and deeper as the days goes on today. Yesterday was a holiday at work, but I should've gone in. I was too busy sleeping to make it and today I should've gone in because the office was actually open, but I freaked out last night, got anxious cried for a while and realized that I'm simply so tired and exhausted that I don't know how to handle everything that I have going on right now and that I feel as though it is too much. It was 2AM before I slept.

When the alarm started going off this morning JD tried repeatedly to wake me, but I was so fatigued and groggy that I simply couldn't wake up. To the point that he is starting to worry that something is wrong, but I don't have a doctor that I can see and I'm not the type to go to the doctor simply because I'm tired. I'm always tired to one extent or another and I just assume that I will always be tired. There's probably nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I'm crazy and anxious and depressed and being this way is simply draining on my body and mind.

I finally made it out of bed and ate, but I haven't been able to summon the energy to do anything beyond read or sit at my desk and write. Going to gym seems like a chore, going to work to try and get a few hours in for my contract seems pointless because I'm not sure if I can get myself caught up on them anyway, and I'm too hot, sad, depressed, unmotivated, or melancholy to do much of anything else. Even getting a shower seems like more of an effort than I can handle at this point and that's an awful feeling because I am sweaty, sticky, gross and down right uncomfortable in my own skin because of it.

I adjusted my cymbalta back down the 30 mgs on the suggestion of my psych because I had been so tired and he thought that maybe to increase to 60mgs was causing the intense fatigue and constant sleepiness. it has been less than a week, but I haven't seen any kind of hint at improvement in the least and in fact I feel like my anxiety and mood swings are already getting worse on a lessened dosage of the cymbalta. Granted, I could simply be having a bad week, but that's not what this feels like. I feel like I have this weight hanging over me, this overwhelming, looming feeling of despair that I'm just going to fall apart and break and the damage won't be fixable. i don;t even know right now if I'm going to be able to finish my job contract or manage to keep my other job because I'm not sure if I can keep up the charade of going to work and trying to be normal enough to function in a society where mental illness is so highly stigmatized. But if I want to keep my car, my home, my boyfriend, my cat, and my life I don't have a choice but to try and be as normal a I can so that I don't lose my jobs and don't end up with nothing.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known....

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Insecurities and no sleep

So despite all of my mental health issues I'm sure there are people that know me who figure that I am a pretty normal person. I work, go to gym, and generally seem to be some what well adjusted (I think.)

But under the calm, mostly quiet, sometimes self-assured face that I tend to present to the world at large (except at my second job because there being chatty is part of my job some days) I quite often feel like nothing more than a failure. And a very large one at that. See, I'm a smart person and I know I'm smart. When I was a child that meant that a lot of things in school came easy to me. Very easy. To the point that as I got older and schoolwork became harder it got harder for me to feel like I was a smart, successful student. When things no longer came so easily and I started feeling pressure to be better than I was I developed a lot of insecurities.

Eventually those insecurities spilled over into every aspect of my life and I now find myself second guessing things or simply not being willing to try to do them because I feel like they will be something that I won't be good at/am not good enough at or is too hard for me or that I'm just plain too dumb to be able to do it. It means that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities. I might miss out on more opportunities because of it.

And I know that it will take work to change these habits/insecurities/fears that I have, but it is a long hard road to make those changes and I feel like I don't know where to start. I also feel like there are some things that I have already done or am currently doing that will help me make these long term changes.

Tonight though, right now, I feel very insecure, moreso than I have in a while and it leaves me feeling very shaken and a little depressed. I don't know why I feel this way tonight and I don't know what I can do to shake the feeling and move on with my day. So it is just kind of hovering over my head like a semi-dark cloud. Being tired makes it worse as does the fact that I had things that I needed to do today in order to be productive and I did none of them. I spent my day sleeping. Like almost all of it. I was in bed by 11 last night after I had spent several days not sleeping and I looked like 3/4s death. When I woke up this morning at one point I went to the bathroom, saw myself in the mirror and realized that I still looked about 1/2 dead. A small improvement but given that I had slept for almost 12 hours I would've preferred to not look even remotely kind of dead at all. And then I went back to bed and kept sleeping. I didn't get out of bed and be fully awake until probably 5 or 6 this evening and I'm sure that I will be back in bed around midnight so I can get up for work tomorrow. I don't know why I am so tired and have been so tired for the better part of a month, but I'm really, really tired of it (yes deliberate pun) and would like to start getting a full night's sleep on a regular basis.

I'm not sure if I feel any better now that I have everything written down, but at least I was able to put it to words and that might help me deal with things. Time will tell.