Monday, April 6, 2015

Anxiety update

Yeah, I’m a slacker, as usual. At least when it comes to keeping up with my writing. I shouldn’t slack so much. Sometimes being able to write out my thoughts can really help. But I have been doing other things.
Specifically going to the gym 3 days a week at least. And setting that goal has been good for me. I have stuck to it for the most part; I am weightlifting and have seen definite progress. Cardio is not my favorite thing but I make myself do a little bit of it every time I go. I’m fighting leg pain/cramps and shin splints though and it sucks. I just push through it as much as I can. I’ve increased my time on the treadmill by 5 whole minute, but I struggle to get above 10 minutes on the elliptical and that frustrates me. I am also going to be getting back into skating seriously as soon as my kneepads arrive (probably tomorrow), but I am absolutely terrified of being a failure at it after being off-skates for several years AND having gotten really, really out of shape. Thinking about it is actually making me anxious. By tomorrow afternoon I might be ready to just run and hide and not go to practice. I would almost rather lift weights than go to practice and feel like I’m failing or not trying hard enough because I’m either too out of shape or my body won’t let me push myself as hard as I feel like I should be able to or as hard as I want to. I have no idea how to handle these feelings.
Winter seems like it is FINALLY starting to let up. And as it has eased my attendance at work has been better. I had a mid-term review with my supervisor this morning and it was OK. I wish I were better in this regard as well though, except for the idea that I need to “Improve my Relationship with Co-Workers.” That one just annoys me because I am quiet and introverted and a loner and I am here to work, not to make friends. And I also just generally don’t fit in. But now I’m left wondering if I should make more of an effort and how I should go about making said effort, even though I really don’t want to. There is a 5K that the office is planning on doing as a group in September, but I cannot afford the entry fee (and I told my supervisor that), but I’m sure that’s just going to be one more example of me not fitting in. Nevermind that the last time we did a group activity like this, which was a different 5K, I was left behind by the group and ended up having a panic attack and got a ride back to the starting/finish line in an ambulance. How much of a fail I felt like then. And how much of a fail I don’t want to feel like anymore, both at my job and at derby.
*sigh* My anxiety level is creeping higher and higher and I just kind of want to go home and hide now. And that will be tempting to do tonight, but it is a gym night so I’ll suck it up, go lift heavy things, and try to calm my mind. And if that doesn’t work I don’t know what I’ll do because it’s not like I can take an Atarax and go skate. Given how loopy and tired they make me that would be a terrible idea anyway! But I’m so tired of fighting with this anxiety when all I’m trying to do is live my life.