Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Chatter (Two)

Still crazy, still not sleeping worth a damn. It sucks. Bunches. Especially the not sleeping part. I have meds, I'm on track with them and I've been busting it in the gym to start trying to get back in shape. I'm tired of being round and fat and tired of dealing with things that I think could be alleviated by losing some weight. Granted, weight loss is not my primary goal here and getting shape is, but the two sometimes go hand in hand so I'm looking forward to seeing some changes.

It is still up in the air about my having a job with STLS come September, but it isn't looking completely unpromising so that's a good thing. I'm anxious to leave my other job, but now isn't the best time for it no matter what I really want to do.

We're still hunting for a new apartment with little success, but hopefully something will come up soon enough and we can move on, find some quiet and stability, and just be able to enjoy it. We are coming up on our first anniversary of being together come mid-August and that's fun. I don't think we will do anything crazy, but definitely going star gazing that night. Already looking forward to it. And since I now have  bowl of food in front of my hungry face, I'm off!

Friday, June 21, 2013


It's Friday and I'm feeling good. Lunch at the farmer's market later, followed by the gym after work and (I think) gaming later with some friends. Yesterday I had my kindle and headphones at the gym so I wasn't watching the display for time or speed. I found myself tiring out a bit more quickly that previously so I checked my speed and realized that I was moving about 3.6 mph on the elliptical rather than the 3.0 I had done the day before. So my workout yesterday was shorter, but done at a slightly faster pace. I'm pretty sure that's not a bad thing and now I will push to keep that pace and increase my time as I go.

Tomorrow I am announcing at a derby bout down in PA for another league and Sunday I have to work my other job. I'm only looking forward to one of those things. I figure come Sunday evening when I leave retail hell I will be MORE than ready to go de-stress at the gym for a bit. And Monday and Tuesday I probably won't get to go at all due to said other job. Bleh.

Next on my list will be getting back to roller derby with CCRD, but I've been off skates for a while now so I'm super anxious about going back and looking like a total noob. Or making a fool of myself. Or not being able to keep up. Or generally just feeling like I'm not a good enough skater to be there. *sigh* Gotta overcome that particular mental block (AGAIN) and then I will make it back. My goal is by July 25th at the absolute latest because a month after that in August is going to be a ref clinic. Although I just realized that if I am slated to ref at a bout on July 27th, I need to get my ass back to derby pronto and stop being a chickenshit about it. Next week will be June 27th and I should get my ass back then for as much skate time as I can get. Yikes....the thought of reffing makes me super nervous. So I'm going to stop thinking about...for now...and find other things to focus on until lunch time.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Still alive and kicking

Ugh...I am finally back to normal. So I took some time last week to accompany JD to an appointment. We went out to lunch afterwards and I really just felt like we needed some time together so I took the afternoon off. I had felt a bit off at lunch anyway and wasn't sure if I'm not be sick (I wasn't) but it was still nice to spend some time together.

 Thursday morning I woke up screaming in a panic after having a bad nightmare/flashback and those tend to exhaust me so badly that I just want to sleep so I didn't make it to the office that day. That evening I started to hurt and feel more than a little off.

By Friday morning I was in considerable pain and nauseous and sick. I resolved to see if it would get better over the weekend but come Saturday afternoon I was in so much pain that it hurt to breath and I couldn't sleep. I agreed to let JD take me to the ER and after blood work and tests I was told that I had a raging UTI/kidney infection, was given meds, and sent home. I thought I had appendicitis or kidney stones for the amount of pain I was in and most of my other symptoms having been atypical for an infection.

I was still sore on Sunday and couldn't stand for very long at a time. Monday was better, but not much and I was nauseous again for part of the day. Yesterday was Tuesday and while I didn't feel nearly so awful as I had I still felt pretty rough and my body was determined that I needed sleep. So I slept thru everything. Had dinner. Then when I tried to sleep last night...NOPE! I finally dozed off about 3AM, got up at 8, had a therapy appointment, and finally made it back to work.

I haven't decided yet if I like the new therapist they have assigned me to. She seems nice enough, if a bit abrupt, and is clearly pretty athletic. We mostly just chattered and she seems pretty no-nonsense and I got the distinct impression that she thinks I am weird. *shrug* And I am so that's fine, but I'm already thinking about switching therapists so we'll see how things go.

There is the 5k coming up next month and there is a ref clinic that my roller derby league is hosting in August. I clearly have gone to the gym in a week cause I ended up sick so tonight is going to be my first trip back and we will see how it goes. Obviously I cannot get myself into perfect shape in two months, but if I stick with it I can see (or JD can point out to me) that there is consistent progress being made. His estimate is that by December I can be back in the shape I was when I really stopped skating last year. So I'm going to aim for that and more and when January boot camp comes around I'm gonna kick it in the teeth. Assessments will be in early February and I fully intend to pass those and be back on the roster for next season. It's going to be a lot of work and I have a lot of things that I need to learn and improve upon, but I know I'm capable of doing it and will prove that to anyone out there who dares to say differently. I'll see you on the track!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


Another day, another dollar (maybe two) and I am exhausted today. I had a stressful night at walmart so I stopped by the gym so I could workout and clear my head. Twenty five minutes on the elliptical did just that while giving me a better workout than the treadmill had been in 35 minutes or so.

It also didn't hurt my shins and I was definitely a sweaty beast. I will keep working on increasing my time and speed on the elliptical. I might take tonight off though because I work late once again and I may or may not be too tired to bother with the gym. Also, I should probably take at least one rest day.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow though, if for no other reason than that once my day is over and done and I am home from the gym and have done anything around the house that needs done it is likely that I will be getting a massage and consequently being covered in coconut oil. Yes, I'm spoiled and I know it and it's wonderful. I have a wonderful man in my life.

And now, back to work after boring anyone who bothers to read my blog with the minutiae of my day. 

Peace, Love, and Crazy!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Rolling forward

Yesterday's derby bout went well. My announcing has improved and it was a good time all around with the Babes taking home a big win. I tried my hand at hooping with some hoops that one of the skaters had with her and I still can't do it to save my life. I had a lot of fun though and may try to get my hands on a larger hoop than the kiddie sized ones that are commonly found. They aren't hard to make so I can either do it myself or have said skater make me one.

After the bout and hanging out with some friends (and getting to hold an adorable baby) I headed to the gym where I logged a little over a mile and then did 15 minutes on the elliptical. My shins are getting better, but before I finished on the treadmill I was having pain and at one pointed needed to stop and stretch my legs out a little. The elliptical was much less painful and I think I'm going to try doing that more often. I was planning on having today and tomorrow as rest days, but I think if I'm not tired tonight after work I may stop for a few minutes and workout. I seem to sleep better, no matter that "experts" say. I think that some of that advice/wisdom is very much dependent on the individual and it doesn't work for everyone.

I will also be heading down to the rink and lacing up my skates for the first time in several months later this week. I don't know if I am quite ready to start skating again all the time, but I miss it so much that I want to try and I may start reffing at the request of an NSO friend of mine. I'll see how it goes...

Meanwhile, back to work and trying to stay awake through my day. Hopefully I will catch a second wind that gets me through the night and safely home. Today was day 4 of the Lamictal.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


Or, my cat is a dumb ass.

JD and I were out last night doing laundry and getting groceries and since neither of us are ans of dealing with lots of people we went rather late. By the time we got everything done and got home it was going on 3 AM. Colt was being mouthy so I picked him up and realized I smelled cat poop. Sure enough he had some still clinging to his butt. Removal ensues but lo and behold...there is a piece of rubberband also attached to the piece of poo...

Stupid cat, we said. Where did he get those, we said. Why did you eat those, we said. So love is pulling rubberbands out of your girlfriend's cat's butt at 3AM...or trying to at least.

I can happily report that Colt made a beeline for his litter box after we realized that pulling it out wasn't going to work (and we determined that simply watching him to see if he would be OK would be our best course of action) and promptly did his business. No more rubberband butt. I mean, if he hadn't taken care of it on his own we would've taken him to the vet obviously, but I'm glad he's OK.

Today is going to be day 3 of my Lamictal (which I will take upon finishing this post) and after I eat I will be off to announce at a local roller derby bout. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind of work, work, and more work and apartment hunting. It also starts my off days for the gym (see that work, work, work thing) before I go back on Wednesday. Right now I'm hovering at roughly a 24 minute mile and my goal by July 20th is to be able to walk a mile in somewhere between 18-22 minutes. I definitely think I can do it and will push to make it. Baby steps are still steps...

Friday, June 7, 2013

More random news

I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. I did not try to run from him, nor did I have to be dragged back into his office this time. He commented on it my coming alone instead of with JD and I told him, "If you didn't lock me up last time, you probably won't lock me up this time!" and got a laugh.

So I survived that and came out with a diagnoses of anxiety, non-specific (which I knew), PTSD (which I also knew), and a new one for bipolar II (which I was expecting). This means that my Cymbalta was increased to 60mg a day at my request and I was given a prescription for Lamictal that will start at 25mg a day, go up to 50mg after two weeks and at my visit next month will bump me up to 100mg a day with is the lowest effective dosage. For my own records I will note that I am starting the Lamictal today at 25mg.

Today I am oddly jittery and I'm not quite sure why, but its not seeming to be as bad today as it was last night. I've done the gym two days in a row and have a large blister on the bottom of my right foot from a hotspot that was rubbing worse than I realized. I'm still pretty stoked that I did a 24:00 mile yesterday and don't necessarily expect to be quite so awesome today because of my foot, but I'm still going to push myself as much as I can. I'm doing a 5k walk/run with my office in mid-July so I have just over a month to work on my fitness so I don't embarrass myself in front of the entire office. This will also start prepping me for the mud run that I am hoping to have the funds to do in September as well as get me started back on the path to getting fit for roller derby. I miss it and my team like crazy, but I think the time away is still good for me.

I am hopeful that my job here at the office will continue after September and hopefully even further than that. I honestly enjoy the work and although I'm still having some focus issues they aren't quite as bad as they had been. Granted, if it gets noisy in the office I tend to struggle more than if it stays quiet and since I have to answer the phone from time to time its hard to just ignore everything and put on my headphones, but sometimes I have to so I can not freak out. As long as my work gets done that's the important part and my boss has been super cool about my taking time when I needed to.

And I think that's that. I'm always open to question or comments about my life, my mental health or whatever so if you're so inclined, feel free.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Moving Along

So I've been keeping a list of potential places to live and we looked at one the other night, but we're not entirely sold on it even though the rent would be low enough that we could definitely save some money and pay off a good chunk of bills. But it's still an option.

I've been surprisingly calm about this entire ordeal and I keep waiting for that to end and for my crazy to come roaring back. But in the meantime I'm going to try and enjoy the time I have while it's gone.

And I have determined that I am GOING to get my shit together and get back to the gym and it is going to happen in short order. Starting tomorrow because tonight I have to work my other job. Luckily I have someone who will remind that I said this and will remind me to pack my gym stuff and wake me up to go on Saturdays when I would rather be sleeping and when I eventually start making progress will point it out to me if I don't see it.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was a year ago and I want to keep making progress forward. It looks like I might eventually get somewhere, even if its not happening as quickly as I might like. The speed of the progress made is determined by my actions and how I handle things and since I've been the one procrastinating and putting things off I have no one to blame but myself.