Looking up

Yesterday and today I have had greater amounts of focus than I have had in a long time. I spent 9 hours yesterday at the office clearing up some things and have put in a full day today of getting work done. I'm hopeful that this is a trend that continues. I will be less stressed if it does.

I have a HUGE list of apartments that need to be called about or looked at to decide if we want to call about them so that is a plus. Not sure when we will start that process, but it should be soon so we can get a move on with moving on with our life together. :) Yes, I'm being cheesy and sappy. No, I don't care. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm happy and that means the rest of the world doesn't have to like my choices nor do I need their approval.

Tomorrow is eye appointment day to get my vision checked...yay...but it needs done and I can't put it off any longer. I wish I could say that I had a vacation that would be starting soon because that would just be fantastic. Even if all I did was hang out around the house for a week that would be a nice break from constantly running around and working all the time. But *shrug* I'll work with what I've got and know that by mid-August I will have my hours for work caught up and under control and will be able to take a few days off from Walmart and if I do nothing else I can watch the Perseid meteor shower with my guy and marvel at the universe all around us. There's always something to be learned if you only remember to look up...

Focus...focus...

After my earlier post I attempted to go about my day at work. Unfortunately for me, one of the things that causes me significant problems when I am anxious is that I tend to lose focus very quickly. Once I've lost it I have a hard time getting myself back to a point where I can do productive work of any kind.

Even though I've started taking medication for my mental health I'm not sure it is helping as my focus doesn't appear to be increasing. The problem with my lack of focus is that I have a TON of work that I need to be doing that I simply cannot concentrate on long enough to get it done. I have found that I work better in a quiet and empty office so I will be trying to come in early and stay later at times to make up my hours and get things done. If I am mid-task when it gets loud I am more easily able to ignore the things going on around me that would interrupt my focus and concentration.

Meanwhile, my lack of ability to focus is just adding another layer to my stress levels. Sometimes I feel like I can't win.

Apartment hunting

So after yesterday's post I tried to just go about my day and not stress myself out until I knew one way or another what was going on and what might happen.

I found out last night after I got home from my second job that my landlady did, in fact, die early Monday morning. So her estate is technically now my "landlord" but her family has already made it quite clear that they will be putting the house up for sale and I also got the distinct impression that the sooner we move they happier they will be. There is more concern over handling the "paperwork" than there is over the knowledge that they've just lost a family member. It makes me sad.

But at any rate, I have a place to live for the time being, but finding a new apartment is very high on my list of priorities right now and given how difficult it can be to find a place that allows pets I am worried that it could take more time than we have (or more money for that matter which is also quite stressful.)

So once again I am back to checking the paper every morning and checking craigslist at least twice a day in hopes that something will come up. I don't know if it will be anything quite so perfect as this place was looking like it would have been, but that's life I suppose. Everything changes and time marches on and all that...

Safe

I'm still stressed, still tired, and still struggling through my day. Nothing has changed. But last night my boyfriend asked me if I was going to sleep in our bedroom or if I was going to sleep on the pullout sofa bed in the living room. His reasoning was that he wasn't likely to sleep and if I slept in the living room I would be closer to him as he would be on his computer most of the night. I instantly decided I would sleep in the living room and despite being incredibly worried and and stressed out, I found that I slept better last night with him near than I typically do when he's up and I'm back in the bedroom sleeping.

Granted, I still didn't sleep well, but given how I'd been sleeping it was an improvement. I noticed this morning that I'm starting to get noticeable dark circles...

Anyway, I just wanted to note my thoughts about the fact that I sleep better when he is near to me and I find that to be interesting. He said he felt better having me close by as well. I woke up once (as opposed to more frequently when I'm in the bedroom) and when I realized that I could hear him typing just a few feet away I promptly fell right back to sleep because he was nearby and I knew I was safe. I love feeling and knowing that I'm safe. I really do.

So much for stability

Well, I had hoped things were going to settle down and be normal in my life for a while. I was looking forward to having some peace, quiet, and stability in my life. But early Monday morning my boyfriend woke me up to let me know that here was an ambulance in our driveway and it was taking our landlady to the hospital. We haven't heard anything concrete yet, but I've heard a couple rumors that she passed away and she hasn't been admitted at either of the two hospitals she would be mostly to have been taken to.

I'm trying to not to worry myself sick over the matter, but the idea that I might not have anywhere to live very soon is a scary thing for me. We just moved into this place last month and had started to settle in and now if worst comes to worst we will end up homeless. And I am having a hard time coping with that.

I also know that I might be getting myself all worried and worked up over nothing. The rumors I'm hearing may be untrue and even if they aren't it's not like I can simply be forced to move out without AT LEAST 30 days notice. The problem is that finding a place and getting moved in 30 days is hard. It's made easier for us if push comes to shove because we haven't hardly unpacked, but harder because I have a beautiful loving cat that I am not willing to give up. *sigh*

I don't know what to do about any of it. I can't focus on getting anything done, I'm exhausted, my lungs hate me, and I'm not even halfway thru a 14 hour day....

Moments at a time

To an old school friend whom I've known for many years: Yes, I will be OK. It may take some time and I may struggle to work through many of the issues and problems in my life, but in the long run I won't let them stop me. And you've known me long enough to know that I'm stubborn enough that this is true.


As for today...today I am anxious. Not my usual low level buzz of anxiety, but higher intensity feeling that tells me I will have trouble eating today and that I may not sleep tonight. I'm taking my medication as prescribed, but I haven't come to a conclusion about whether or not it seems to be helping at all. I managed the gym yesterday for a bit and am planning to go back again tonight. So tiny amounts of progress.

I'm refusing to set extensive long term goals beyond that of getting better because I know that if I push myself too hard I will simply freak out and implode. So I take things in little chunks of time and try not to beat myself up over things that don't go as I had planned. If end up taking things one day, one hour, one moment at a time and that's how I have to get better then that's what has to happen. I don't like it and I would prefer to live my life with a fullness that lets me simply be and do instead of struggling with my mental state quite so much. I want to be able to go out to eat and order food without looking at the menu and being simply overwhelmed by the choices. I want to be able to pick a restaurant without wavering back and forth because I don't want to make the "wrong" choice when I'm out with my guy. I don't want to live my life with this vague feeling of unease or dread about everything. It's exhausting.

Normal routine

I'm back at the office today after my crazy yesterday. And it's been a pretty normal day even with the 80 degree heat INSIDE my office. If only the central air system worked properly. Although we have a plethora of fans and portable AC so that is helpful and quite nice for me since the AC is right by my desk.

I'm incredibly grateful that I have a boss who is very understanding and patient with me regarding everything that is going on. He doesn't fuss when I miss work and doesn't even get upset if I'm too lost to email him right away (I am trying to get better about that however) and encourages me to take care of myself and get better. I wish my other job would be so understanding. 

I don't have anything really weighing on my mind today other than pretty normal worries about bills and money and whatnot and I'm calm and mostly relaxed. If this were my life everyday things wouldn't seem so bad when it got a little crazy. Unfortunately for me I'm not in a place where I can deal with a "little crazy" and I tend to blow things out of proportion really badly because I get so anxious and wound up. *shrug*

I think for now I'm just going to try and enjoy the relative calm that is today and try not to worry about tomorrow right now.

Another One

I had another panic attack/breakdown this morning. I was supposed to have been to work at 9. It's 11AM and I just got out of the shower and am trying to make sense of what I'm going to do with myself. I have nights where I know if I try to sleep I will just toss and turn so I stay up too late. When I finally sleep I sleep hard and miss alarms. If I start dreaming I get caught in these crazy surreal worlds where everything is wrong and I start to panic, but I can't wake up. Sometimes I even know I'm dreaming, but that doesn't seem to matter. Eventually when I wake up I'm in a panic and don't always know where I am or what's going on.

These events are exhausting and frighteningly enough are becoming more and more frequent. I don't know what to do to handle them better, I don't know how to make them go away, and I don't know what's going to happen if I can't get a grip on things. I feel like I should just disappear and then I wouldn't be any trouble to anyone. But I don't think I can leave. Because when I'm not feeling like I've been turned upside down and inside out by this insanity in my head I know that I have help and that there is at least one person in my life who thinks I can beat this and get better. But in moments like this I think he shouldn't have to deal with me and all of problems. And no matter how much I love him I feel as though it is selfish of me to put him through this. At the same time, my heart says that it would be selfish of me to leave because he loves me as much as I love him and why do I want to hurt someone that I love so much. Obviously the answer is that I don't want to hurt him and that is why sometimes I think I should leave. *sigh*

I don't know what to do to get my head back together and my life back on track before it all just implodes around me. I understand now why some people say they feel like they are on a clock to get better...ticktock ticktock...now if only I could find some clarity about everything else in my life.


Edit: Its about two hours after my original post and I can't calm down and I can't stop the flashbacks/nightmares. At one point I thought I had crawled from the living room into the bedroom and was quite surprised to find that I was still on the pull out couch in the living room. Or I think I'm trying to scream, but I can't make any noise other than these weird little guttural whines and whimpers. I'm definitely ready for this to not be happening...

Crazy and fat

UGh...I was going to grab a decent selfie and change my FB profile pic, but then I realized that my face has gotten super fat. Its awful to me and unfortunately because I'm not quite right in the head this one little moment may be the thing that ruins my day.

I've managed to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER been a size 2 or even a size 10 or 12 probably, but seeing myself with like a triple chin is just gross and really undermines my self-esteem. And to think the plan for today involved eating lots of food. Now I won't want to eat anything for the rest of the day. But I will eat. Then I will feel guilty because I ate when I so clearly should not have eaten. (See, this is one of the many reasons I'm self-proclaimed crazy)

I wish I could be more fat positive like so many women I see posting bikini pictures or not caring about what society says and I try to do that for myself and it helps to have people in my life who see me as far more than just a number on the scale, but AAARRGGHHH. It's frustrating.

And now for a complete and total 180 I decide to try ONE MORE TIME to get a decent photo and I snagged one that I don't have ALL the chins in. I still think my face is fat, but I'm slightly less freaked out about things. Still not sure I will be able to guilt freely enjoy my Five Guys later though.

I still think that my ultimate goal will be to become BOTH more positive about my body and keep working on losing weight/toning up and not giving a damn about the number on the scale. I'm sure that there will be a lot of days like this in the meantime though.

Anxiety and Waxing

The shaky anxious feeling from last night is still here. It will ease up somewhat, but it hasn't gone away at all. I didn't sleep well last night and while I'm sure part of it is because my darling Colt monster kitty decided that I was fun to nibble on, stomp on, and generally pester all night long I know that my anxiety had a hand in it as well.

I woke up this morning with a vicious headache that I was starting to think would find its way to being a full blown migraine shortly so I begged off work and stayed in bed where I finally got a couple hours of real sleep. I felt a bit better, but I'm still a little twitchy and anxious. OK, maybe more than a little. But I figured I should do something with my day so after relaxing some sudoku and a napping cat on my lap I repotted a strawberry plant, watered everything else, and am about to embark on a painful journey...waxing my legs. Typically I just shave them, but I had gotten super lazy about it and pretty much have a forest so I figured I would take advantage of the length and save myself the trouble of shaving for a bit. I'm not brave enough to try waxing anywhere else other than my eyebrows and after having had a disaster where I thought I might end up shaving THOSE off I leave that to my beautician when I go see her.

I think laundry is on the agenda for tonight...bleh...and then tomorrow afternoon I'm leaving work early for a visit to my therapist, followed by a night out with my boyfriend. Dinner and a movie out in Erie followed by late night breakfast because we are nothing, if not a couple of foodies (one of the reasons I need to get my butt back to the gym). Then Saturday I think will be pretty low key and Sunday will be a trip out to announce a roller derby bout. I've found that I enjoy announcing quite a bit and I feel like it is a good way to stay involved while I am on hiatus from skating and trying to get my head back together, but eventually I will get back on eight wheels and hit some bitches. Meanwhile, I'm going to try and keep my derby chatter to a minimum here and when I'm ready I will get back to updating my derby blog. But for now, the wax has reached temperature and that means its time to maim...errr....beautify myself. Ok, its a bit of both, but I like having smooth, non-hairy legs. :)

B

The Beginning

So I do a lot of writing in a paper journal, but some reason I feel like writing here too. So I am. I don't know how often I will post or what I might write about because it's my blog and I write what I please. Right now I'm just feeling incredibly anxious and have been since my drive home from my office tonight. I'm on medication for my anxiety/depression issues, but I'm also working with the idea that I could be bipolar as well as learning what I can about PTSD as my psychiatrist feels that may also be something I suffer from. Given some of the events of the past decade I'm starting to realize that he may be right.

The last year of my life has been crazy in a lot of ways, but finally I have moments where I start to feel like things are settling down. I'm living in a place I really like and trying to make it into a home, have someone in my life who is amazing and treats me well, and even though I'm working two jobs and we struggle financially we aren't doing too bad. I would love to be doing better because that would obviously mean less bills and more money (and being able to visit family in Texas), but I know that life isn't always easy or fair no matter how much I wish it were sometimes. That said, if anyone wants to donate money to me I will take it; cause who couldn't use a few more bucks right?

I started this post without much of a goal in mind because I just felt the need to write a little something. Maybe this will become a place where I can share stories and tidbits about my life that people will find amusing or touching or silly or heartwarming or whatever or maybe I will just write here and there as a personal outlet, but I do hope that anyone I choose to share this with or anyone who finds this and decides to keep reading takes something away from it whether that is a lesson, a laugh, a smile, a good cry, or even just an update on someone that they maybe don't see much.

With hope,
B