Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Rambling to get thru my day at work

I have been really stressed out lately, but not to the point of non-functionality, just lots of frustration because two (three?) of the things that are bothering me are ones that seem like (or are) things I can do nothing about.

I have always been heavy and since I hurt my knee in October I have only gotten heavier because I couldn’t workout or even get around very well. I have finally ditched the cane and am doing much better, but I cannot seem to find the motivation to do anything like go to the gym and workout. I stepped on a scale the other day and almost cried and for a day or two I was able to brush it off and pretend that it didn’t bother me nearly so bad as it did. Then I saw a photo on FB from the early days of my roller derby career and I just really felt sad and awful at the state I have fallen into.

And sure, the long term solution is diet and exercise, but I struggle with keeping motivated anyway and when I don’t see progress then I REALLY REALLY struggle with my motivation. But at this point, if I don’t figure out how to motivate myself to keep going I am going to be stuck in sweat pants and oversized t-shirts before too long because nothing else will fit me. Well, not anything I will be able to afford at any rate.  So here I am, stressed out and depressed over my weight and the toll it is taking on my physical, mental, and emotional health and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I’m at a bit of a loss because I cannot even find the motivation to get started.  I feel as though it is of no use because I can never see any progress and I just seem to get bigger. Doing it alone is even harder I think, but I am in such awful shape that I was be self-conscious and ashamed to have any of my friends work out with me and I know that JD absolutely hates the gym and would be miserable going with me. I mean, he will support me and encourage me and applaud my efforts and having that support helps a lot, but for some reason it gets harder and harder to go it alone in the gym and I don’t know why.

And secondly, my job isn’t bad. Some days I really enjoy it. But it doesn’t pay enough for me to take care of my bills AND be able to save money. This means I can’t save to move into a nicer apartment or for a down payment on a house, or even to go see my family in Texas. Obviously, I can do something about this, which is job hunt, and I have been doing so, but it seems like there is nothing local to me and everything I apply for that is even semi-local I don’t even rate an interview for. Plus, there again is the moving issue if I were to find a job a couple hours away. I work and work and work and I don’t seem to get anywhere. I mean, in a lot of ways I am lucky because my workplace is very tolerant of my mental health issues and the fact that some days I just don’t make it out of bed or I come in late so there are definitely some upsides, but I honestly need more income if I am ever going to do anything beyond just scraping by.

There also seems to be a third thing that bugs me as it isn’t entirely related to my poor job prospects and that is the fact that my family is so far away and I don’t see them and it sucks and causes major depression sometimes. Having people on my case about moving closer to them on a regular basis doesn’t help. It is like they don’t understand that I cannot afford to move, it isn’t just me that I have to think about, and that I am not willing to give up everything and move home (Texas will always be home) without things like a job prospect, a little extra money set aside, and a way to get on my own feet in a relatively short time frame. Not to mention the logistics of making sure I had access to my medications and making sure that JD had everything he needed as well. Oh and not factoring in things like his hatred of hot weather which is damn near the only kind of weather that Texas has. And this particular issue is incredibly frustrating because when it gets brought up I feel as though there is nothing I can say to stop the conversation because if I do I am only going to cause hurt feelings and problems and that is simply another stressor that I don’t need on my plate. I simply cannot win here and don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I’m not willing to just bend over backwards and give in to the things that other people want me to do because it is what they want or what they think would be best for me. Especially not when I have more to consider than just my wants and needs; that’s just not how my life works and I am fine with that, but I am tired of other people seeming to not be fine with that. *sigh*

I am just getting more and more frustrated as the day wears on and just don’t really know what to do. People talk like going to the gym or finding a new job are easy things to do, but the reality is that they are not easy for me. I don’t know what to do to make myself more marketable in a marketplace that has an abundance of workers and not enough jobs, I don’t know how to structure a work out or diet plan so that it works and I can stick to it, and I just feel really stuck because I don’t know what to do and I don’t really know how to let other people help me either. Of course, even if I did things like resume assistance/job counseling and working with a nutritionist or personal trainer both tend to cost money that I do not have. If I had that kind of money I would probably not have so much debt and drive a nicer car and not worry come the end of every month how we are going to get by until the next payday.

Monday, January 19, 2015


So I had been really down on myself, about my hair and about thing in general and I was trying to puzzle through it all. I sorted my hair out in my head...not sure what that was about. I applied for a few jobs, but it doesn't look like I am going to hear anything back about any of them, but that's OK because at least I applied and that is where I start. My knee is feeling better and that is leading to increased motivation to workout, although I haven't strted because I am a little scared of reinjuring my knee (and I want to give it time to be all good.) So for right now, despite the fact that I was utterly exhausted by noon Friday and still had the rest of my workday to get thru and despite the fact that I did NOTHING on Saturday because Friday night's nightmares were bad enough that I woke up screaming twice and then napped for several hours Saturday, I feel good. I'm not super sown about nything, I'm not bodering on manic, and life is just chill. OF course I still want a better job and to pay off debt and to all of those things, but they are all works in progress. And so am I.

It took a bit of introspection, but when I really thought about it one of the things that had crossed my mind was how I fit into and identify on th LGBTQ spectrum. I recall starting out in HS and deciding that I was bisexual, even though that wasn't quite right; it was the closest descriptor that I knew of to describe my sexuality. And I stuck with that for a long time because I was married to a man and didn't have relations with a woman and whatnot. The I divorced my husband and I told him that I wanted out because I had decided that I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew that I wasn't a lesbian, but I was pretty much over being with a man because my ex and I had some serious issues and they caused big problems and there was a lot going on that was wrong and shouldn't have happened and whatever. It was during that time that I missed my chance to sleep with a gorgeous girl that I adore and I am glad that she seems to be happy when I see her FB posts.

So I ended up with JD. JD is male. We have a pretty unconventional sex life and it works for us. Perfectly well, although we have had some bumps in the road (who hasn't?) and I did a small amount of searching and settled on the idea of pansexuality, which isn't invalid or necessarily incorrect, but over time I just got more and more annoyed by the label and trying to explain it because it just isn't something that a lot of people understand And that had been bugging me for a while. Cue an angsty fit, some real introspection, and finally the conclusion that who gives a fuck. Obviously, I am clearly not heterosexual, although I probably appear to be your average hetero cis-female. Why not simply go with the idea that I am queer and leave it at that. Because who cares, really? Who is going to ask? Who needs to know? I mean, I need to know because I need and want to know myself, not because I feel the need to label myself, but that's just me being me.

And I feel better. I don't think I will ever suddenly become a stereotype of the queer community either femme or butch or anything else and I may always present to people as straight. I don't care. I wear jeans and boots and t-shirts and I wear flipflops or chucks in the summer. I don't thrift for awesome clothes (mostly because plus size thrifting in a small town is hard ya'll.) Sometimes I do my make-up, but most of the time I don't. When I do wear make-up it tends to be either quite subtle or wildly overdone. I make sure I am presentable at my job. I'm not a fashion plate. I had a mohawk once. It was red and blonde and looked like fire and it was glorious. It was probably the one time in my life that I might have looked queer. At the time I was still maried to my ex-husband, although I won't say that we were happy. If I didn't have an office job where I need to be put together and sometimes wear a nice button down shirt I might have a mohawk again. I really enjoyed it.

So yeah...I have always said labels don't matter, but knowing oneself is something entirely different. I feel like, finally, I am getting there.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Is there any creature on earth as unfortunate as an ugly woman?

Typically when I get a haircut it makes me feel much, much better. Especially if I have gone a while without getting one. But this time it didn't have the same effect. The hair color I applied a couple days later also didn't really do much for me. I'm not really sure why on either note, but it is a bit depressing.

I am often kind of down about my looks and see myself as anywhere from a monstrosity to simply just OK, maybe average on a good day. Getting my hair and eyebrows done always makes me feel better for a little bit, but this time it just didn't help. I don't know why. I do know that it has been bothering me since I noticed it, but I still can't figure it out. My hair looks good, the color is appropriate (if a bit redder than normal), and I have eyebrows again instead of what feels like two caterpillars resting above my eyes. But I feel just, not awful really, but I haven't gotten that spike of look at me I feel almost pretty. I had gotten used to that.

And it bothers me a little that I had gotten so used to that superficiality that now that it is gone I am bothered by it. I seriously have no idea what to do or how to handle this or what will make me feel better. Not even the slightest clue. I mean, if I thought that buying a new outfit would help and I could afford it I might try that, but I don't think it will and I can't afford it anyway. I wondered about a new piercing or tattoo, but again I lack the money to do so and the desire to fight with the hassle of it. But mostly the money is an issue here because I ALWAYS want a new tattoo. That said, I still don't think it would make me feel any better.

As I sit here and I think about it I am almost starting to wonder if perhaps my weight is what is causing the discontent. But solving that problem is going to take some time so I won't know until I get back on the exercise wagon. Which won't be as soon as I might like, but I will say that my knee is getting better and I have been out and about without my cane quite a bit in the last two days or so. If I can get myself together I am going to start with some body weight work and maybe the gym a couple times a week, even if all I do is the treadmill or something for a short time. Maybe it will help...I hope something does. I feel like even more of an ugly duckling than ever, but I have never been a swan in my life. I'm pretty sure I never will be and I wish that I could be the kind of person who isn't bothered by that. I try very hard to accept myself for me and tell the world and their beauty standards to fuck off.

But even with doing that I still don't feel as though I fit a non-traditional or even my own sense of beauty. So even if I ignore Holloywood and the media and what people's expectations are I feel like I still don't fit. It is a lonely and alienatng feeling that I don't know how to fix. I wish I did.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Rambles of two days

I got a decent night's sleep for the first time in probably almost a month last nght.

I was up before my alarm and now I just need to shower, have breakfast, make my lunch, and go to work. And all of those things seem like more effort than I can muster the will to do. Oh, and I have to wade my way through who knows how much snow. I'm not actually sure if the roads are safe enough for travel to be honest.

I'm really, really fucking lost here at this point. I want someone to hold on to me and tell me that it will be OK. And I know that I can wake JD and he will hold on to me and pet my hair and tell me that he loves me and that we will figure this out. And he does love me, of that I have no doubt, but I know that he cannot fix me and I feel like I cannot fix myself. And I don't know how to fix anything else in our lives that is a problem. And yes, people will say that it isn't solely my job to fix things, and maybe they are right, but fixing and handling problems is what I do and now I can't seem to do that anymore.

So this post was started yesterday morning as I struggled to make myself coherent enough to handle my day. I actually did end up back in bed with JD and we went and got breakfast even though I needed to get to work. And yes, that seems very irresponsible, and in a lot of ways it was (I am also lucky to have a job where I can do that), but because of the way I have been fighting with my moods and trying to deal with my bipolar symptoms I needed some peace and calm before work. And good food never hurts!! Despite the fact that the more adult choice would ahve been to just get up and go to work and stopped for a bagel and a coffee in the drive thru, I felt better for having made the opposite choice of sitting down and having breakfast and having some coffee. JD is very honest with me about things that either help or hurt me in terms of my health, especially mentally because I do not always see what is obvious to him and even he said that I looked better than I had. Then I went to work.

Where I got stuck in an elevator. Getting it unstuck was as simple as one of my coworkers triggering the down button from the ground floor, but I worry that someone who cannot take the stairs is going to get really stuck. Hell, if my knee is acting up and I can't handle walking four flights of stairs it could be me. *shrug* I can handle that better than I can a lot of other things though.

Found a job that I need to get a cover letter and resume out for. It is about an hour and a half away so it would require us to relocate, but JD and I both agree that if that is a thing, then it is a thing. More money means getting bills paid off faster and that means looking forward at possibly achieving other things in our lives more quickly. While I refuse to let myself hope too much about it because I expect that the competition for it will be fierce, I am definitely interested in seeing how it goes.

But there is dinner simmering on the stove and I have to finish it off and eat then spend the night crocheting til I fall asleep.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

New year, new...nothing.

So I wrote about wrecking my knee playing roller derby and at that point in time I was hopeful that I would be back on skates by Christmas. No such luck. I have gradauted from crutches to a cane, but I cannot walk long distances, stairs are awful (I live in an upstairs apartment), and there are still days when it hurts just like it did after I fell. I'm pretty sure that my roller derby days are over. That has made me very sad, but I have also had some time to come to grips with it and I think that as good as derby was for me at one point in my life, it may not be good for me anymore. I still miss it.

I also got incredibly depressed over Christmas. And then my moods started getting weird. And now I am just a mess. My insomnia is back in full force, I'm perma-exhausted it, I feel lonely even when I'm not alone, I'm more than sad, and I don't know how to change any of it. JD doesn't know how he can help me and I don't know if he can help me. And sometmes I get really up and manic and crazy, but manic does not equal happy. I also had a really bad episode of intrusive thoughts on Christms Day that basically ruined the entire day, even though we didn't do much. I wish I could have a Christmas like when I was kid one of these days, but I don't see that ever happening again. I haven't spent Christmas with Mom and Dad since I was in high school. Just another point of failure for me.

I am still looking for a job, but there is just nothing to be had in my field so it looks like I will have to start seeing about what else I can do that will pay me enough to live on because I do not feel like I will even be able to complete my contract this year due to some regulation changes. I am also branching out a bit geographically as well to see if there is anything in the nearest actual city that I can commute to. So far, I've found one thing, but given my lack of motivation I can't seem to get myself together long enough to go over my resume and write a cover letter to even apply. *sigh*

Hell, I am struggling to even stay motivated enough to finish this post. And I guess maybe I don't know what else to say. I dont know how to solve any of these problems. I feel like I can't solve them. I don't even know where to begin. I'm scared that things are going to reach the point where I get committed.