Every time I take a trip home it always breaks my heart to leave. It seems like it must be true that you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl. I’d give anything if I could move in the fall when my contract is up, but I know that JD would be miserable in Texas and I just do not want to do that to him. I’d like for us to find a place to live that we can both agree on, but we have such different climate preferences that I don’t know if that is going to work. I feel like we are going to end up in a place where one of us is less than happy. And that sucks…
He has indicated that he will follow me to Texas if that is really what I want,
but that just seems so unfair to me and bothers me on a level that I struggle
to comprehend. And I get scared that he would go with me to Texas and then
decide that he was terribly unhappy and it would cause problems between us.
That isn’t something that I want.
Annoyingly enough, however, because I am so stressed about coming back here
from Texas and wanting so badly to go back that I am having some very strange dreams
about what might have been if I had taken a different path that didn’t include
getting married at 18. And those dreams are weighing heavy on my mind for some
reason. I think it is only natural for people to wonder what might have been if
they had lived differently, but I’m so depressed at being back in NY that I am
having a hard time shaking the memory of those dreams. I don’t want to give up
what I have now and I certainly have no intention of doing so. My subconscious
mind is just acting up because I miss Texas.
Of course, my subconscious mind is also feeding into my sexual fantasies and
poking me about what it might have been like with a certain male friend if one
of us would have had the guts to speak up a decade ago and suggest that maybe
we should date. Apparently said friend feels the same way about me, but neither
of us ever had the courage to act. And at this point I’m not willing to give up
what I have for what might have been and he is a good enough friend that he
wouldn’t dream of seriously asking that of me. So we will both be left to wonder, but it will
go no further.