Wednesday, February 12, 2014 update!

So I have been incredibly, super, mega bad about keeping up with my blog lately. I’ve written at least 3 posts that never made it any further than my desktop because I was just too lazy to publish them. But since they were mostly written when I really depressed or in a mixed state there was a lot of whining in them.  Maybe it is better that I didn’t get around to posting them. I don’t know.

Things have been pretty low key. I haven’t noticed any major mood changes with the meds I am currently on (tegretol was added at the appt. before last if I didn’t mention that) and at my last apt. I was told to try taking my Prozac in the AM and also had blood work ordered that I need to get done before my next appointment in March.

Also in March I am going to visit family that I haven’t seen in several years and JD will be joining me to meet them. I know it is going to be incredibly hard and stressful for him so I have tried to do what I can to alleviate as much worry for him as possible. And I am incredibly grateful that he is going with me. It really does mean a lot and I don’t think I can explain to him just how much it means to me. I’m not even sure that there are words in the English language to convey how I feel about it. Mom and I are considering matching tattoos if we can come up with something that we can agree upon.

 I keep telling myself that I need to go to the gym and try to lose even 5 pounds before the trip. I’ve been telling myself that I need to go to the gym since the first of the year though and it hasn’t happened yet. Part of it is largely due to my own lack of motivation that I suffer with as a part of my mental health issues and the other part has more to do with the weather being cold and miserable and awful and I don’t want to leave the house or go to the gym because gym clothes aren’t terribly warm. So basically I need to suck it the hell up and go to the gym. Five pounds in a month doesn’t seem like a lot, but if that is ALL I lost that would be 60 pounds in a year. This means that in two years if all I did was lose fat and not gain muscle I would be at a healthier weight that I wouldn’t hate quite so much. However, even with muscle gains I would still be healthier even at a higher weight. After all, the number on the scale doesn’t determine my self-worth. I don’t have gym gear with me today (hell, I don’t even know where it is) and I might not find it tonight or tomorrow, but I really need to recognize that taking care of myself both physically and mentally should be more of a priority in my life.

So with that said I need to get my ass back on the gym wagon and start going. Also, a former teammate told me that I should come and skate at fresh meat nights with her for derby and offered to give me rides to the rink if I don’t have gas so there is also that. It would be something nice to get back into even if I am starting all over as a freshie. And really if I can get my body back to a point that I think I can skate again then I might be a better skater than I was before just because I will be getting a refresher on all those skills and really working harder to improve them because I do want derby back. The fear I have here is that I am going to go skate and start getting back into things and then crash and burn like I have the last few times that I have tried to do derby. So I’m going to take it slow and ease my way back into things. I don’t have a choice anymore. Managing the stress in my life has to become a priority or I simply shut down and can’t function normally. I am pretty damn tired of not being able to function like a normal human being. I want my life back.

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