Thursday, December 26, 2013

Holiday funk

So I made some blondies yesterday, drank some Bailey's (nowhere near enough to even be tipsy, much less drunk), and proceeded to fall into a SUPER funk. I was massively depressed and laying in the bedroom and all I wanted to do was hurt myself so I could feel something other than the awful empty feeling that is my depression. It was bad enough that when JD came to check on me he asked if he should hurt me. Hearing your BF ask you that is really freaking strange.

Realizing that it will probably help you clear your head if he does is even stranger. So he pulled my hair and pinched me hard enough that any other person would've been screaming. I just sort of went with it and even then I commented that I didn't know what enough was (in regards to pain) and he pointed out that my comment was the reason he would rather hurt me than me hurt myself. I pouted a little because I wanted to put smiley faces on the bottoms of my feet, but he wouldn't let me.

And that was how I spent part of my Christmas.

Also, for anyone who randomly reads this and gets worried, please know that I am seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, but it is a struggle to get everything in that perfect place where I don't have days like this. I am not suicidal and my boyfriend is not abusive to me. He was simply trying to help me be better than I was and honestly, it really, really helped. If you want to be judgmental about how I deal with my mental illness feel free to do so, but I don't want to hear about it because I have enough negativity in my own head. I don't need yours too.

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