Friday, January 9, 2015

Rambles of two days

I got a decent night's sleep for the first time in probably almost a month last nght.

I was up before my alarm and now I just need to shower, have breakfast, make my lunch, and go to work. And all of those things seem like more effort than I can muster the will to do. Oh, and I have to wade my way through who knows how much snow. I'm not actually sure if the roads are safe enough for travel to be honest.

I'm really, really fucking lost here at this point. I want someone to hold on to me and tell me that it will be OK. And I know that I can wake JD and he will hold on to me and pet my hair and tell me that he loves me and that we will figure this out. And he does love me, of that I have no doubt, but I know that he cannot fix me and I feel like I cannot fix myself. And I don't know how to fix anything else in our lives that is a problem. And yes, people will say that it isn't solely my job to fix things, and maybe they are right, but fixing and handling problems is what I do and now I can't seem to do that anymore.

So this post was started yesterday morning as I struggled to make myself coherent enough to handle my day. I actually did end up back in bed with JD and we went and got breakfast even though I needed to get to work. And yes, that seems very irresponsible, and in a lot of ways it was (I am also lucky to have a job where I can do that), but because of the way I have been fighting with my moods and trying to deal with my bipolar symptoms I needed some peace and calm before work. And good food never hurts!! Despite the fact that the more adult choice would ahve been to just get up and go to work and stopped for a bagel and a coffee in the drive thru, I felt better for having made the opposite choice of sitting down and having breakfast and having some coffee. JD is very honest with me about things that either help or hurt me in terms of my health, especially mentally because I do not always see what is obvious to him and even he said that I looked better than I had. Then I went to work.

Where I got stuck in an elevator. Getting it unstuck was as simple as one of my coworkers triggering the down button from the ground floor, but I worry that someone who cannot take the stairs is going to get really stuck. Hell, if my knee is acting up and I can't handle walking four flights of stairs it could be me. *shrug* I can handle that better than I can a lot of other things though.

Found a job that I need to get a cover letter and resume out for. It is about an hour and a half away so it would require us to relocate, but JD and I both agree that if that is a thing, then it is a thing. More money means getting bills paid off faster and that means looking forward at possibly achieving other things in our lives more quickly. While I refuse to let myself hope too much about it because I expect that the competition for it will be fierce, I am definitely interested in seeing how it goes.

But there is dinner simmering on the stove and I have to finish it off and eat then spend the night crocheting til I fall asleep.

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