Wednesday, January 7, 2015

New year, new...nothing.

So I wrote about wrecking my knee playing roller derby and at that point in time I was hopeful that I would be back on skates by Christmas. No such luck. I have gradauted from crutches to a cane, but I cannot walk long distances, stairs are awful (I live in an upstairs apartment), and there are still days when it hurts just like it did after I fell. I'm pretty sure that my roller derby days are over. That has made me very sad, but I have also had some time to come to grips with it and I think that as good as derby was for me at one point in my life, it may not be good for me anymore. I still miss it.

I also got incredibly depressed over Christmas. And then my moods started getting weird. And now I am just a mess. My insomnia is back in full force, I'm perma-exhausted it, I feel lonely even when I'm not alone, I'm more than sad, and I don't know how to change any of it. JD doesn't know how he can help me and I don't know if he can help me. And sometmes I get really up and manic and crazy, but manic does not equal happy. I also had a really bad episode of intrusive thoughts on Christms Day that basically ruined the entire day, even though we didn't do much. I wish I could have a Christmas like when I was kid one of these days, but I don't see that ever happening again. I haven't spent Christmas with Mom and Dad since I was in high school. Just another point of failure for me.

I am still looking for a job, but there is just nothing to be had in my field so it looks like I will have to start seeing about what else I can do that will pay me enough to live on because I do not feel like I will even be able to complete my contract this year due to some regulation changes. I am also branching out a bit geographically as well to see if there is anything in the nearest actual city that I can commute to. So far, I've found one thing, but given my lack of motivation I can't seem to get myself together long enough to go over my resume and write a cover letter to even apply. *sigh*

Hell, I am struggling to even stay motivated enough to finish this post. And I guess maybe I don't know what else to say. I dont know how to solve any of these problems. I feel like I can't solve them. I don't even know where to begin. I'm scared that things are going to reach the point where I get committed.

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