Introspection

So I had been really down on myself, about my hair and about thing in general and I was trying to puzzle through it all. I sorted my hair out in my head...not sure what that was about. I applied for a few jobs, but it doesn't look like I am going to hear anything back about any of them, but that's OK because at least I applied and that is where I start. My knee is feeling better and that is leading to increased motivation to workout, although I haven't strted because I am a little scared of reinjuring my knee (and I want to give it time to be all good.) So for right now, despite the fact that I was utterly exhausted by noon Friday and still had the rest of my workday to get thru and despite the fact that I did NOTHING on Saturday because Friday night's nightmares were bad enough that I woke up screaming twice and then napped for several hours Saturday, I feel good. I'm not super sown about nything, I'm not bodering on manic, and life is just chill. OF course I still want a better job and to pay off debt and to all of those things, but they are all works in progress. And so am I.

It took a bit of introspection, but when I really thought about it one of the things that had crossed my mind was how I fit into and identify on th LGBTQ spectrum. I recall starting out in HS and deciding that I was bisexual, even though that wasn't quite right; it was the closest descriptor that I knew of to describe my sexuality. And I stuck with that for a long time because I was married to a man and didn't have relations with a woman and whatnot. The I divorced my husband and I told him that I wanted out because I had decided that I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew that I wasn't a lesbian, but I was pretty much over being with a man because my ex and I had some serious issues and they caused big problems and there was a lot going on that was wrong and shouldn't have happened and whatever. It was during that time that I missed my chance to sleep with a gorgeous girl that I adore and I am glad that she seems to be happy when I see her FB posts.

So I ended up with JD. JD is male. We have a pretty unconventional sex life and it works for us. Perfectly well, although we have had some bumps in the road (who hasn't?) and I did a small amount of searching and settled on the idea of pansexuality, which isn't invalid or necessarily incorrect, but over time I just got more and more annoyed by the label and trying to explain it because it just isn't something that a lot of people understand And that had been bugging me for a while. Cue an angsty fit, some real introspection, and finally the conclusion that who gives a fuck. Obviously, I am clearly not heterosexual, although I probably appear to be your average hetero cis-female. Why not simply go with the idea that I am queer and leave it at that. Because who cares, really? Who is going to ask? Who needs to know? I mean, I need to know because I need and want to know myself, not because I feel the need to label myself, but that's just me being me.

And I feel better. I don't think I will ever suddenly become a stereotype of the queer community either femme or butch or anything else and I may always present to people as straight. I don't care. I wear jeans and boots and t-shirts and I wear flipflops or chucks in the summer. I don't thrift for awesome clothes (mostly because plus size thrifting in a small town is hard ya'll.) Sometimes I do my make-up, but most of the time I don't. When I do wear make-up it tends to be either quite subtle or wildly overdone. I make sure I am presentable at my job. I'm not a fashion plate. I had a mohawk once. It was red and blonde and looked like fire and it was glorious. It was probably the one time in my life that I might have looked queer. At the time I was still maried to my ex-husband, although I won't say that we were happy. If I didn't have an office job where I need to be put together and sometimes wear a nice button down shirt I might have a mohawk again. I really enjoyed it.

So yeah...I have always said labels don't matter, but knowing oneself is something entirely different. I feel like, finally, I am getting there.