Typically when I get a haircut it makes me feel much, much better. Especially if I have gone a while without getting one. But this time it didn't have the same effect. The hair color I applied a couple days later also didn't really do much for me. I'm not really sure why on either note, but it is a bit depressing.
I am often kind of down about my looks and see myself as anywhere from a monstrosity to simply just OK, maybe average on a good day. Getting my hair and eyebrows done always makes me feel better for a little bit, but this time it just didn't help. I don't know why. I do know that it has been bothering me since I noticed it, but I still can't figure it out. My hair looks good, the color is appropriate (if a bit redder than normal), and I have eyebrows again instead of what feels like two caterpillars resting above my eyes. But I feel just, not awful really, but I haven't gotten that spike of look at me I feel almost pretty. I had gotten used to that.
And it bothers me a little that I had gotten so used to that superficiality that now that it is gone I am bothered by it. I seriously have no idea what to do or how to handle this or what will make me feel better. Not even the slightest clue. I mean, if I thought that buying a new outfit would help and I could afford it I might try that, but I don't think it will and I can't afford it anyway. I wondered about a new piercing or tattoo, but again I lack the money to do so and the desire to fight with the hassle of it. But mostly the money is an issue here because I ALWAYS want a new tattoo. That said, I still don't think it would make me feel any better.
As I sit here and I think about it I am almost starting to wonder if perhaps my weight is what is causing the discontent. But solving that problem is going to take some time so I won't know until I get back on the exercise wagon. Which won't be as soon as I might like, but I will say that my knee is getting better and I have been out and about without my cane quite a bit in the last two days or so. If I can get myself together I am going to start with some body weight work and maybe the gym a couple times a week, even if all I do is the treadmill or something for a short time. Maybe it will help...I hope something does. I feel like even more of an ugly duckling than ever, but I have never been a swan in my life. I'm pretty sure I never will be and I wish that I could be the kind of person who isn't bothered by that. I try very hard to accept myself for me and tell the world and their beauty standards to fuck off.
But even with doing that I still don't feel as though I fit a non-traditional or even my own sense of beauty. So even if I ignore Holloywood and the media and what people's expectations are I feel like I still don't fit. It is a lonely and alienatng feeling that I don't know how to fix. I wish I did.