Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Rambling to get thru my day at work

I have been really stressed out lately, but not to the point of non-functionality, just lots of frustration because two (three?) of the things that are bothering me are ones that seem like (or are) things I can do nothing about.

I have always been heavy and since I hurt my knee in October I have only gotten heavier because I couldn’t workout or even get around very well. I have finally ditched the cane and am doing much better, but I cannot seem to find the motivation to do anything like go to the gym and workout. I stepped on a scale the other day and almost cried and for a day or two I was able to brush it off and pretend that it didn’t bother me nearly so bad as it did. Then I saw a photo on FB from the early days of my roller derby career and I just really felt sad and awful at the state I have fallen into.

And sure, the long term solution is diet and exercise, but I struggle with keeping motivated anyway and when I don’t see progress then I REALLY REALLY struggle with my motivation. But at this point, if I don’t figure out how to motivate myself to keep going I am going to be stuck in sweat pants and oversized t-shirts before too long because nothing else will fit me. Well, not anything I will be able to afford at any rate.  So here I am, stressed out and depressed over my weight and the toll it is taking on my physical, mental, and emotional health and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I’m at a bit of a loss because I cannot even find the motivation to get started.  I feel as though it is of no use because I can never see any progress and I just seem to get bigger. Doing it alone is even harder I think, but I am in such awful shape that I was be self-conscious and ashamed to have any of my friends work out with me and I know that JD absolutely hates the gym and would be miserable going with me. I mean, he will support me and encourage me and applaud my efforts and having that support helps a lot, but for some reason it gets harder and harder to go it alone in the gym and I don’t know why.

And secondly, my job isn’t bad. Some days I really enjoy it. But it doesn’t pay enough for me to take care of my bills AND be able to save money. This means I can’t save to move into a nicer apartment or for a down payment on a house, or even to go see my family in Texas. Obviously, I can do something about this, which is job hunt, and I have been doing so, but it seems like there is nothing local to me and everything I apply for that is even semi-local I don’t even rate an interview for. Plus, there again is the moving issue if I were to find a job a couple hours away. I work and work and work and I don’t seem to get anywhere. I mean, in a lot of ways I am lucky because my workplace is very tolerant of my mental health issues and the fact that some days I just don’t make it out of bed or I come in late so there are definitely some upsides, but I honestly need more income if I am ever going to do anything beyond just scraping by.

There also seems to be a third thing that bugs me as it isn’t entirely related to my poor job prospects and that is the fact that my family is so far away and I don’t see them and it sucks and causes major depression sometimes. Having people on my case about moving closer to them on a regular basis doesn’t help. It is like they don’t understand that I cannot afford to move, it isn’t just me that I have to think about, and that I am not willing to give up everything and move home (Texas will always be home) without things like a job prospect, a little extra money set aside, and a way to get on my own feet in a relatively short time frame. Not to mention the logistics of making sure I had access to my medications and making sure that JD had everything he needed as well. Oh and not factoring in things like his hatred of hot weather which is damn near the only kind of weather that Texas has. And this particular issue is incredibly frustrating because when it gets brought up I feel as though there is nothing I can say to stop the conversation because if I do I am only going to cause hurt feelings and problems and that is simply another stressor that I don’t need on my plate. I simply cannot win here and don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I’m not willing to just bend over backwards and give in to the things that other people want me to do because it is what they want or what they think would be best for me. Especially not when I have more to consider than just my wants and needs; that’s just not how my life works and I am fine with that, but I am tired of other people seeming to not be fine with that. *sigh*

I am just getting more and more frustrated as the day wears on and just don’t really know what to do. People talk like going to the gym or finding a new job are easy things to do, but the reality is that they are not easy for me. I don’t know what to do to make myself more marketable in a marketplace that has an abundance of workers and not enough jobs, I don’t know how to structure a work out or diet plan so that it works and I can stick to it, and I just feel really stuck because I don’t know what to do and I don’t really know how to let other people help me either. Of course, even if I did things like resume assistance/job counseling and working with a nutritionist or personal trainer both tend to cost money that I do not have. If I had that kind of money I would probably not have so much debt and drive a nicer car and not worry come the end of every month how we are going to get by until the next payday.

No comments:

Post a Comment