I'm not sure what happened between the time of my last post and the time that I got home from the (first half) of my workday, but my mood shifted into absolutely foul and horrible and awful with just no warning whatsoever. I was upset because I can't find shoes that fit, most of my jeans don't fit, I feel fat and ugly, I was hungry (and that made me feel worse about being fat), and I was just so angry at everything.
I swore about the other people driving on the road, was peeved because Michael's didn't have the crafty stuff I was looking for, but they did have the other crafty stuff that I want and won't buy because I a) don't have time for it and b) can't draw anyway so what business do I have buying a sketchbook and set of pastels? In the midst of all this we had dinner which was enjoyable (mostly because of the company but the food was OK) and grabbed coffee and the only people immune to my wrath were staff of any places I went to because they didn't deserve it and JD, of course.
The rest of the world could go fuck themselves and die in a fire for all I cared. I'm still in a pretty miserable and rotten mood even as type this and I still don't quite know why. I know I definitely still feel fat and ugly and like I'm never going to get back to where I was.
Where I was (by the way) is a year and a half ago I was almost into a size 16 jeans and playing roller derby competitively. Now I can't skate, haven't had time/energy/wellness to make it to the gym in almost two months now and don't know what is wrong with me physically so I can't even begin to guess if I will ever actually get to skate again. I try to focus on announcing derby because it is certainly fun, but it isn't skating and I don't feel like as much of a part of things now that I'm not skating. Some of that is my own fault (and I'm perfectly aware of that), but that doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't hurt any less. *sigh* I guess only time, effort, and figuring out what is going on with my health will determine if I ever get back to where I was and where I felt like I was headed at that point in time. But for now I think I'm all typed out and should be getting to bed so I can get up in the morning for another day at the office. Yes, on a Saturday...it's my own fault and it sucks, but it has to get done so off I go.
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