Friday, December 20, 2013

Pre-New Years post

So I’m back at work after missing a day for JD’s sleep study and missing two days because I was having a manic episode that intensified my nightmares, coughed sleep issues, and made me horribly jittery and twitchy and shaky to the point that I was having problems walking straight. Clearly my meds aren’t quite where they need to be yet. That said, I do feel like I am making progress with them and hope to get them squared away on something that works in the new year.

My plans also include really making an effort at the gym not because I want to get in shape to play roller derby, but because working out makes me a better, healthier person and it makes me seep better, stabilizes my moods, and is generally good for me to work out even if I don’t focus on losing weight.  And focusing on losing weight only created a negative aspect for me when I didn’t see the progress that I was hoping to see. So I’ll try something else. I will also be getting back to healthier eating and am looking at investing in a food scale. Hopefully JD will be on board with me in making these changes as much as we can as they would be good for both of us.

I realize that I have shut myself off from a lot of things in the last year and while some of it is due to wanting to enjoy my time spent with JD and enjoy being in a relationship where I feel loved, safe, and happy instead of afraid and controlled I know that some of it is also caused by my mental illness. I was already having a hard time with my divorce and everything at the end of 2012 and leaving my roller derby family for a break was stressful and getting diagnosed was also stressful and it all really took a toll on me and I felt like I just needed to take a giant step back from everything. I have been trying to put myself back together and I struggle with it a lot. I’m hopeful that 2014 for will be a year of changes and moving forward.

And with that said I am going to try and start a little early by making some small changes between now and the new year that will help. I’ve already been making an effort to have a regular bedtime for the most part, especially during the week when I have to be up for work in the mornings. If I can sleep it seems to help. I have also gotten much better at taking my meds since I switched off the Latuda. I’m not feeling nearly as foggy as I was and it seems like the mix of Buspar and Prozac is helping, although I am still frequently very shaky and jittery so it doesn’t seem like everything is QUITE right. I think trying to start the gym again should happen sooner than later and my goal is go tomorrow and Sunday both for a short period of time. My eating habits will probably wait until after the new year for the most part for me to start getting them back on track just because I don’t want to add too much to my plate. I am trying to drink more, although I tend to be pretty bad about having enough to drink because I just sort of seem to not notice until I am super thirsty. I also don’t really care for plain water and sometimes it feels like making tea is too much effort so that doesn’t help me there. I will keep pushing myself to drink more.

So the goal is onward and upward to better things, to a new year, and to whatever challenges that it holds. I’ll see if I can look back on this post in a year or six months and if I have made any progress.

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