Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Ramblings from an unfocused mind

I’ve been really struggling with this constant jittery feeling for probably almost 3 weeks now. I’m pretty much over it and want it to stop. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the case. It will fade temporarily for a bit, but it always comes back. I feel like the only time I’m NOT twitching is when I’m asleep. JD and I were discussing it last night and I was asking him if I had been like this before I changed my meds or if maybe this was a side effect of a med and he made an indication that my moods (up and down wise) are far more stable than they had been, but that this ever present jittery, twitchy, unsettled feeling is something that I exhibit when I am hypomanic. However, I don’t REALIZE that I am up. These last few weeks I have been perfectly aware that I am up and have struggled to keep myself together. So apparently my meds seem to be doing SOMETHING.

Honestly, I’m ready for a good down swing at this rate because I am just tired of being up and jittery.  Hell, I’m just plain tired. This is exhausting and it affects my ability to sleep and sometimes my insomnia kicks in. I was up til 230 this morning and finally rolled out of bed around 8 after having had alarms going off since about 645. It’s going to be a long day and I’m glad that I don’t have to work tomorrow for Christmas.

I am a little depressed though because I haven’t seen my family for Christmas in so long, but the only thing I can do is try to plan better for next year and make it down; hopefully with JD in tow so he can meet my family. I am going to try to make it down in March for a family event and my mom has offered to try and help me with a plane ticket, but they are just so damn expensive and I have to wait for my taxes to come back before I can really look at purchasing one.  As soon as I get all of my paperwork I will be filing and hoping for a generous refund from Uncle Sam. Not that I actually expect to get much.

Also, I should stop torturing myself by searching for airfare. I did find tickets for as little as $250/person, but I just don’t have an extra $500 lying around right now. I kind of want to try and apply for a credit card with a limit just high enough to buy tickets, but that’s rather irresponsible of me to do and I already have enough debt that I don’t need to be adding to it. Ugh…

I am starting to feel a little sick to my stomach which has also been an issue lately and I don’t know why. I think it must be related to how I feel though because it seems to get worse as I get more jittery and when the depression kicks in. Jittery and depressed at the same time is definitely an awful feeling.

And as the day progresses I feel more and more awful and I can’t concentrate on actually trying to even get any work done.  We did actually close the office though so I don’t have to try and deal with people or phone calls any longer for the day. That isn’t a bad thing. The office is mostly empty so I am taking the time to rock out to the Pentatonix cover of Little Drummer Boy for a bit because it is currently the top song on my list of songs that help me feel a bit calmer or more centered.  And hopefully I will be able to actually get some work done soon. I don’t think I need to stop and pick anything up at the store, although I am contemplating some eggnog, but that’s mostly so I can get drunk off of eggnog and bourbon. It alternately seems like both a good and a bad idea depending on the moment.

But I think I am (finally) calm enough to maybe get some actual work done for a bit before I take off and go home and do nothing til Thursday. The jury is still out on whether or not I’ll be getting my drink on or not.

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