Chatter Chatter

I am feeling super anxious today and can't quite pin point why. It started after I got out of therapy and got to work so maybe there is something that I am picking up on or something that I am missing (yeah...wide range) that is causing the anxiety. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I have done good this week with the gym and counting my calories. Now I just have to be able to sustain the activity and that will help me go a long way towards getting back on my skates. I'm looking forward to getting back to being more involved with the physical side of derby than the behind the scenes stuff and hope that I can make real progress to being on the roster by March of next year. That is almost 6 months away give or take so I think I can accomplish a lot by then and put myself in a better place both physically and mentally.

Speaking of mental health I've had two appointments this week (one with my shrink and another with my therapist) and both went well. I am staying on my current meds and will be starting some behavioral type therapies that are supposed to help with my PTSD flashbacks. That makes me nervous and could be at least part of the reason I am anxious. Hopefully I can get this all under control and my anxiety well lessen as my other MH problems become less problematic.

On the physical front I am staying off the scale, counting calories, trying to drink lots of water (this one is really hard for me) and trying to exercise everyday, even on days (like yesterday) that I skipped the gym. Hiking was fun though and found a nice, smooth chunk of crystal that had been water polished. We also stumbled across a patch of wild growing mint which was kind of neat to find. There was talk of getting waders and going further down the creek bed and into the water at some point which might be a lot of fun.

But for now...back to the daily grind.

One thing at a time

I made it to the gym today. Spent a good hour or so splitting my time between cardio and weight training. I really enjoy using the circuit weights and I think if I ever get to a point where I can be comfortable doing it I might try lifting just for something a bit different.

I've spent the afternoon puttering around doing dishes and knitting and having discussions with JD about how we might manage to move out of this little town we live in now. It can be frustrating because one of the things that keeps us here is the amount of debt that I have put myself in. It feels like I won't ever be free of quite all of it. But maybe I'm wrong. My stint in AmeriCorps is going to help with my student loans and that's not a bad thing to be sure. At some point we will have to figure out exactly where we might want to live, but I suppose we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm still looking into possibly trying to start a side business of my crafting stuff 9mostly knitting) but I'm more interested in trying to save money and get a credit card paid off right now that I may switch my focus to that. it is going to be hard, but I think it can be done and getting just one card paid off clears the way to make double payments on another card or add some extra to a car payment or whatever. I think instead of worrying too much about getting out of here when that isn't a possibility just yet I'm going to try and focus on making the best of my life where it is right now. Right now I have a nice enough apartment, my bills are paid, I have a job, and I have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am and not who he wants me to be. Honestly....I could be doing worse.

Old habit number one (How many of these might I realize I still have?)

It has been more than a year since I split from my ex-husband. In fact, at the end of November I will have been officially divorced for one year. I've also been with my current boyfriend for more than a year. and even so, I still find it quite strange sometimes that I can do as I please. If I'm not home when my boyfriend wakes up all he asks is that I've let him know in advance or left him a note just so he knows where I am. Also, if I forgot to leave him the note he wouldn't even be mad, probably just wonder where I've gotten off to.

My ex on the other hand expected me to be home to wait on him or if I was gone I had better magically know when he would be awake and be home soon after he got up so I could take care of him. And if I forgot to leave a note he would freak out and call me because he just had to know where I was and what I was doing. And Gods forbid I not answer my cell phone...that was always a battle. And yes, sometimes, I was a bad wife and would deliberately not answer my phone. Although I wonder if that makes me bad because I am an adult and certainly should be able to go do something on my own without having a keeper. maybe that was just one of the little things I did so I didn't start screaming at the man. *shrug* Anyway, I no longer have to deal with any of that.

But I still fall back onto old habits it seems. JD is asleep in the bedroom and I've been up for a while now. I could, clean house, bake, cook, go for a walk, knit, go to the gym, go check out the craft fair down the street, or do any number of things. instead I have been drifting aimlessly because I don't know what I want to do. There are so many things I could do and I wouldn't have to be worried or anxious about getting screamed at that I simply don't know what to do. It is a bit baffling that I still feel this way after more than a year with this wonderful man. Maybe one day I will break this habit and feel less anxious about doing things alone. We shall see, but in the meantime getting my thoughts down appears to have helped. I think I'll go do...well...something at least.

Feels like a(nother) wasted day

My insomnia kicked in last night (probably aided by a cup of coffee that I shouldn't have had) and I was planning o going into work this afternoon for a few hours. Instead after I manged to wake up and shower I wanted to do a bit of writing regarding a prompt that I found because I'm trying to work through some of my issues and this prompt inspired me a bit.

Unfortunately the writing that I did also caused me to have flashbacks of a very traumatic time and I ended up a wreck in my bed curled up with my boyfriend. By the time I was calmed down enough to even consider showing up for work it seemed pointless to do so. So here I am. Writing again. I'm starting to become very afraid that I will lose the ability to hold down a job and that I won't be able to afford to pay my rent or for my car and that I will just lose everything and that I will spiral into a mess that I can't escape from.

I have no idea what to do or how to address this. It makes me incredibly anxious and scared for my (our) future. I don't want to turn into a head case who can't function as a normal member of society but I struggle very hard with going to therapy and trying to actually talk about my problems. I do have a new therapist that I just started seeing though so I am hopeful that perhaps she will be more helpful to me than the others have been.

I just wish I could catch a break and not seem to feel so constantly buried and stressed out all the time over the simplest things...

Returning to Roller Derby

I've been off-skates for a good year now for the most part. Working two jobs, dealing with my divorce and trying to handle my subsequent mental health crisis along with an uprising of physical health problems was just too much. So I let something that I love slip to wayside. I try to stay involved by announcing at home bouts, but it's not the same as skating. Not even close. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I can't watch my team skate as "just" a spectator without feeling sad and a little anxious about it. That's why I announce in part. It gives me something to do that keeps me connected AND it keeps me from being a mess watching these ladies skate their hearts out and knowing that I've lost my place on the track.

That said, I feel as though I might be getting to a point where I am ready to get back to the gym and eventually back on my skates. The problem is that this is also coming at a time when money is tighter and is likely to get a little tighter. So I have to balance my desire to make my way back into roller derby with the reality of being an adult and keeping my bills paid. I do have a little bit of time to work out how I'm going to get back on skates since I intend to dedicate some time at the gym before I lace back up so maybe a solution will present itself in the meantime.

My next dilemma is figuring out exactly how I want to approach getting back on m skates. I'm sure that I'm out of practice. I'm sure that my skills are weak, and I'm sure that I want to be rostered next season. By my count I have (roughly) 4 and half months to get myself back into bouting shape. I might have more time as I should be able to test for the roster at any point after January if I don't make it right away, but I am determined to do this. It means I have a lot of work to do in the next four months and one of the things on my list HAS to be figuring out why I am having some rather unexplainable physical health issues and get them taken care of. Obviously I have put on a not insignificant amount of weight since my derby and gym routines went by the wayside. I have to get a handle on that and I have to figure out why my right foot is in a good deal of pain if I even walk too much. The weight I can partially skate off, but I have to get my foot figured out before I can really do a lot of skating again. I will bring it up at my next dr. appt. later this month and start going to the gym in the meantime.

Beyond that I will get myself back on skates when I am ready and I'm hopeful that I can be back on skates before the end of the year. I don't want to set a hardline goal for myself because if I don't make that goal for some reason (medical or not) then I don't want to freak out and panic about it and become a mess for a day or three. And with my mental issues that could happen so I'm trying to NOT set myself up for failure (inadvertent or not) and instead to elarn to roll with the punches and be a bit more flexible. Right now I'm thinking gym tomorrow on my way home for as long as I can reasonably manage. And then to repeat that process all week long. And repeat. Repeatedly. :)

I think weights and light cardio are going to be where I start as I quite enjoy weights and I'm unsure how I will react to any sort of cardio at all as I've been having some issues with shortness of breath and my legs cramping and stiffening up if I walk more than a block or so. I'm starting to feel like some of it is highly related to my weight gain and that I may simply be very sensitive to body changes above a certain weight so I want to get that number on the scale back down or to lean down and pick up enough muscle that it doesn't bother me quite so much. Ideally I want to drop a total of 100 pounds over the course of time, but depending on how much muscle I gain that may not work out exactly as I have planned. Provided that I feel better, look better, and can eventually make my way back on skates and to a healthier, better Dixie I will deal with whatever the scale tells me. Because honestly the number on the scale is just that. A number.

And I am trying very hard and will keep trying to remind myself that it is just a number and not all numbers matter. What I weight or what size jeans I wear doesn't matter in the long run. That doesn't mean that it was easy to buy a pair of size 24 jeans just the other day because they are what currently fits me. But that doesn't mean they will ALWAYS fit. I was almost back down into a size 16 last summer. I can get there again I think. And if I can't I can still be fit at any size. And I can still lace up my skates and hit bitches. It just takes time.

Rape and Moving On

I've been doing some reading from a link that a FB friend posted regarding rape. This one: http://skepchick.org/2013/08/when-i-didnt-consent-why-i-reported-why-i-didnt/

You should consider reading it, but be aware that if you've ever been raped or sexually assaulted that it could be a triggering read. It wasn't for me...at least not yet. In the dark tonight alone with my nightmares it very well could be. But I wanted to see what someone else had to say and I wanted to see if I could find some perspective. And I did. In a way. I didn't report my rape(s). Mine were at the hands of someone I trusted, someone I thought loved me, and someone that probably doesn't realize what they did because they just aren't smart enough to understand.

It still sucks. It was still rape. It left a mark on me in a way that I don't know if I can explain. It gives me nightmares. I don't discuss it much even in therapy sessions. My current (and wonderful) boyfriend doesn't ask me for details or think less of me because it happened. When I wake up crying or screaming or am clearly having a nightmare that I can't wake up from he is there to comfort me and reassure me.

And I feel blessed and lucky to have him in my life. I know not everyone has the support that I do. From a boyfriend, or friends, or family. And if I reached out I would have all of that. My problem is that I have been too afraid and too emotionally shattered by it to really try and reach out to people. I may never reach out any more than I am right now by writing this blog post. And I have no idea how many people might see this. But it is out here now. If you do see this and want to talk then you know how to reach me and you're welcome to message me.

If you only want to message me to tell me that it is my fault or that I deserved it, you can go fuck yourself. Anyone who wants to have a real conversation or dialogue, feel free.

With the gentle rhythm of the rain

I sat quietly lost in my own thoughts. The day was cool and damp, perfectly suited to this melancholic mood that had been following me for days, weeks, months, years now. Unable to shake the feeling I finally embraced it; let it carry me through my days and lonely nights.

Five years. That's how long it has been since the accident. The one that took her away form me. Five years today to be exact. I never got to say goodbye. People tried to comfort me with the usual and expected platitudes. But it was OK. It's never really OK. I should've been there to help out. She might still be here if there hadn't been so much on her mind, all the stress weighing her down.

Accident. Sure...caused by all that stress and heartache that she burdened with. She didn't want to admit that she needed help. Turns out she has a(n only) granddaughter just like her.

One who fights everyday to remember that the accident wasn't her fault, who has only memories to pass the time. Her voice is mostly forgotten now. And it is little details like that that are torture. So I sit quietly and torture myself with those memories. I have my cat and a cup of tea and I remember with the gentle rhythm of the rain keeping me sane.