Thursday, September 5, 2013

Rape and Moving On

I've been doing some reading from a link that a FB friend posted regarding rape. This one:

You should consider reading it, but be aware that if you've ever been raped or sexually assaulted that it could be a triggering read. It wasn't for least not yet. In the dark tonight alone with my nightmares it very well could be. But I wanted to see what someone else had to say and I wanted to see if I could find some perspective. And I did. In a way. I didn't report my rape(s). Mine were at the hands of someone I trusted, someone I thought loved me, and someone that probably doesn't realize what they did because they just aren't smart enough to understand.

It still sucks. It was still rape. It left a mark on me in a way that I don't know if I can explain. It gives me nightmares. I don't discuss it much even in therapy sessions. My current (and wonderful) boyfriend doesn't ask me for details or think less of me because it happened. When I wake up crying or screaming or am clearly having a nightmare that I can't wake up from he is there to comfort me and reassure me.

And I feel blessed and lucky to have him in my life. I know not everyone has the support that I do. From a boyfriend, or friends, or family. And if I reached out I would have all of that. My problem is that I have been too afraid and too emotionally shattered by it to really try and reach out to people. I may never reach out any more than I am right now by writing this blog post. And I have no idea how many people might see this. But it is out here now. If you do see this and want to talk then you know how to reach me and you're welcome to message me.

If you only want to message me to tell me that it is my fault or that I deserved it, you can go fuck yourself. Anyone who wants to have a real conversation or dialogue, feel free.

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