11/14

So I forgot to actually make an entry yesterday because I was busy being productive. I stayed late at the office to start trying to catch up on some of my contract hours that I have missed and then quality time and dinner with my love.

We both enjoy cooking and we can get in the kitchen and cook together pretty well, even working on different parts of the same meal that we are throwing together without a recipe with little difficulty. Case in point was last night’s dinner that ended up being a bit of a Greek influenced chicken stroganoff type dish over rice instead of noodles. Rice of course simply goes in the steamer and while JD did the chicken I put together the sauce that glued everything together. And then while that hung out for a minute (or three) I steamed off some veggies and then finished them up in a super hot pan with some olive oil, salt, and pepper and called it dinner. I think getting to cook dinner with JD was the good thing about my day (yesterday) because even though we tend to do it every so often I really enjoy being able to get in the kitchen and share the space with someone that I love and create amazing food.

As for today, I’m 29 now and have been at work and things have been pretty low key. I will get to the gym after work because I’m trying to get back into that habit (I had been doing pretty good with it, but I got crazy and that tripped me up a bit.) I’m not really doing anything to celebrate because…well just because. I’m kind of low maintenance and kind of broke and really not interested in going out and drinking, which seems to be a common way to celebrate in this area. JD is making chili for dinner and we are going to spend a quiet evening relaxing I think. This weekend though, comes the food celebration cause food is something I’m good at. Trust me when I say there is a reason that I’m a fat girl. J Brisket, greens, baked potatoes, and (probably) a red velvet cake sounds like an excellent birthday dinner that I can celebrate all weekend cause it’s going to be a TON of food. And I’m fine with that because…brisket.

Today I've also really been struggling with an angry, pissy, moodiness that just has persisted despite my best efforts to not be cranky. Finally as my day is starting to wind down and I have had some time to relax and eat dinner and basically just do nothing except talk to my parents (they called to wish me happy birthday) and be with JD (who has been trading silly Internet links with me) I've started to relax a little. I also did some shopping and ordered some stuff that I wanted/needed and shopping is always mildly therapeutic. Except when its not like when I am frustrated by trying to shop for something. But I think despite my mood issues it turned out to be a good day overall.

I think the best part of my day turned out to be something that I was incredibly annoyed and grumpy at initially and that is my trip to the gym. I went under much protest and whining, but I hit 1.5 on the elliptical in 25 minutes. That's not a bad thing and it might be the kick I need to get back on the wagon (again) and maybe stick with it better this time. I will keep trying.

Nothin

Today was the first real snow fall of the season and that gives me something good about my day. Not the snow. NEVER the snow. I hate the stuff. But it was good that I made it home safely driving through white-out conditions and just enough snow on the road to be dangerous.

I've spent my evening watching youtube videos, eating pizza, and browsing reddit. Nice and quiet and relatively relaxing and I'm remembering to write before I go to bed. My day at work was quiet as well although it got off to a bit of a late start since I managed to oversleep. Ooops...

My plans for tonight had also originally included some stargazing but the weather prevents that. Boo. And I'm rambling because I don't have much of a topic tonight. Hmmm...let's see.

Yeah, I really got nothin...I'm off for bed.

Tangents

So in addition to challenging me to find one good thing about my day JD has also suggested that I start trying to write everyday. If I can keep up with things to write about and then just remember to write it might work. I don't have very high hopes for myself, but *shrug* who knows.

At any rate, my good thing for yesterday (because I never shared it and sharing it might help me be more accountable) is that we put hard boiled eggs in the spaghetti sauce. I had never had i and it was really freaking yummy. next time though I might not let the eggs cook as long before they go into the sauce. I felt like they were a bit dry in the center and a slightly creamier yolk would have made them even better.

It is Monday and I haven't really slept since Saturday night. I have no idea why. JD said he came in to check on me at one point and I must have actually been asleep at that point in time, but I know I didn't sleep for long and I know he was up all night. So I figure I've had 3 maybe 4 hours if sleep. I am wide awake. JD was smart enough to finally go lay down in bed about 9 this morning and is currently sleeping. I tried to sleep to, but my mind just wouldn't shut off. It goes off on these random tangents about crazy stuff and I'm done for.

So its 1130 and I'm up, I ate a spaghetti egg with a piece of bread and now I'm here. I need to run to town at some point and I need to get some unpacking done, but I don't want to drive alone since I've had no sleep and JD is asleep in the other room and I don't want to wake him by trying to unpack. So nope.

The thing about the random tangents that my mind sets off on...if I could do all the things that my brain can imagine me doing, I would be set for awesomeness. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. Of course, if all the bad things that I conceived of came true I would also be set for disaster every single day so maybe it is a good thing that we can't wish or will or think an event into existence. Besides, someone would've probably already wished me dead if that were the case and I wouldn't be here to write this. Hell, the person that wished that could've even been me. I was a dark, angsty child. I'm not really any less so as an adult, but I try to hide it better because adults aren't supposed to be emo. Except I was emo before emo was cool...by like almost a decade. Does that make me a trendsetter? *laughs*

Hmmm, I still haven't come up for something about today that is good. Although given that I haven't had nearly enough sleep to attempt to be a functional human being I think the good thing about today is going to be that I'm glad I don't have to be at work. Not working can be a good thing. And today, on Veteran's Day when we honor those who have served to keep our freedoms, it is definitely a good thing for me.

Change Challenge

So JD is challenging me to find something good about my day. Even if it is only one little thing. Because I tend to sit and be miserable and mopey and depressed about things that aren't changing and the reason that those things don't change is because I'm not doing anything to try and change them.

And I will stop for a moment and I will state the obvious here. Change is hard. Really hard. Really fucking hard.And because I want to change so much it seems like it is just overwhelming and I can't do any of it. So I get stuck in a rut that I can't seem to escape. I honestly don't even know where to start or where to even think about starting. So I don't get anywhere and I stay stuck.

When I write it all out it makes things seem even more hopeless than they already tend to look from my pessimistic point of view. *sigh*

Changes

I'm spending my weekend coming off a rough week of crazy mood swings, spirals, and highs/lows. I'm also spending it watching Champs on wftda.tv because no matter how much I'm not able to skate right now it is still an absolute blast to watch. Except for Gotham. I am so over watching Gotham because they play at a level that is just beyond many of the other teams and I hated seeing them just utterly destroy Ohio. I hope that Bay Area can come in and beat them.

I also hope that I can figure out the issues that I am having, not only with my medication, but with my insurance (or lack thereof) and that I can find a way to continue treating my bipolar and PTSD. Honestly, when I look at it from a health standpoint I know that I have no choice but to FIND an option that will allow me to keep up with my treatment because if I don't then I simply won't be able to function at a level that is going to allow me to do anything resembling having a life.

Once I get this crisis under control I want to be able to move on to having some boredom in my life. I want nice and quiet and uneventful because I am so tired of having there be one catastrophe after another. Even if it is all minor stuff it just wears a body down to nothing. I want my life to be dull for a bit. Then maybe I will be able to once again consider getting back to roller derby. But before I get back to derby I need to get back to myself. I need to get with the gym, stick with it, change my eating habits, and basically just learn that it is OK for me to do me. So not only will there be the gym to handle but also just the basic truths of life that tell me that it is OK to have a bad day, it is OK to sit and knit or read or veg out, and even beyond that I need to realize that it is OK to accept myself regardless of things that I might not like and then I need to let others choose to accept me or not and what they do is not something that I need to worry about.

JD tells me everyday that he loves me and that I am beautiful. I know that he loves me and I can easily believe that he does. What I struggle with is that I am worth loving and I feel like he would do better if he loved someone that was worth loving. I need to learn that he obviously thinks I am worth it, which is kind of a new concept to me. And I need to learn too that when he says I am beautiful that he doesn't see what I see when I look in the mirror. In order for me to learn that I think that I might need to find a way to change what I see in the mirror as well and that is definitely something that I have no idea how to do.

Reading back over things I see that what this post seems to boil down to is that I need to make a lot of changes in my life and I'm not really sure where to start with any of them. If there is anyone out there who still reads this and has some advice to share I would welcome friendly comments.

Starting Over

I've been cycling really hard all week. It has affected my ability to work, sleep, play, enjoy myself, and participate in roller derby. I think I am coming to realize that until I have my bipolar disorder under control and can focus on something beyond simply surviving my day then all of the extra things (like roller derby) are simply going to have to wait. It breaks my heart to have to walk away...again. But I can't do it.

I feel as though I have virtually no friends because I either can't handle hanging out with people or because I am too broke to go out and do anything. Working at Walmart was an awful job, but that was what gave me a little extra money to go out and have a drink with friends or maybe enough to have even gone to dinner. Now I live paycheck to paycheck under what feels like a mountain of debt that I don't think I can escape most days. It is incredibly discouraging and even though I am slowly watching those debts decrease it happens on such a micro time scale because of interest rates and my inability to make more than just the bare minimum of payments that it is very hard to see the scant progress that I do make.

I work a 9-5 that isn't exactly stressful, but it can be too much for me and I'm exhausted by the time I get home; another reason that I might feel alone because I simply don't have the energy to go do anything. Before I started cycling super hard I was getting to the gym and had seemed to be making some small headway there (another form of progress that is very hard for me to see) but since I crashed and burned I have been once. And my eating habits have been atrocious.

Basically, I am starting all over at the beginning yet again. This feels like only the umpteenth time that I have done so and I feel like I don't know how many times I can start over before I eventually just give up altogether. How many times before it is just too much, before my spirit is crushed under the onslaught of repeated failures.

Ugh, this is a rather disjointed and rambling post, but it accurately reflects my thoughts and my feels so unlike writing a speech or a presentation I'm going to let it stand as it is and hope that I can somehow, someway, someday make the changes that I need to make (and stick with them) in order to be a whole person again.

28 going on 15 again

I've really been struggling a lot in the last week to week and half regarding getting to the gym and eating right and being back at boot camp and on skates. I feel like there is so much that I am lacking either due to lost skill or just plain being out of shape that I catch myself wondering why I am trying to go back and if I should even bother because I'm so afraid of failing.

I've been pretty depressed over all of it and it is a constant fight not to give in and just give up at the same time. I can't see the progress that I am making at the gym (JD tells me I am so that is my indication that there is progress) and not being able to see that I am getting better, stronger, fitter, or whatever is really hard. JD pointed out to me that I could lose 30 pounds and probably still wouldn't see it because I have such a warped vision of myself. And I do.

Growing up awkward and smart was hard on me and being recognized solely for my intellect when I could've been so much more left a lasting impression on me that still lingers today. I wonder if I had taken more interest in being a little bit more girly if I would feel differently about myself. But by the time I was at an age when most girls do that I was already so convinced that my brain was the only thing that might get me anywhere that I never really learned how to be pretty. I lack that polish and confidence that let me be comfortable in my own skin. 

So now I'm nearing 30 and I find myself feeling just as awkward now as I did at 15 and I still have no idea how to deal. I still don't quite fit in with the crowd and while I'm used to being on the outside looking in, it doesn't mean that it's easy. It doesn't mean that sometimes I might not want to be on the outside, but that's where I've spent my entire life and I don't know how to change. So I just keep my mouth shut and my head down and try not to make any trouble.

 Bleh...this is what happens when I'm without insurance and off my meds...I turn into an angsty teenage girl and listen to music while I write and debate ways to change my appearance so I feel pretty. Welcome back to the late 90s and early 00s...