Sunday, November 3, 2013

28 going on 15 again

I've really been struggling a lot in the last week to week and half regarding getting to the gym and eating right and being back at boot camp and on skates. I feel like there is so much that I am lacking either due to lost skill or just plain being out of shape that I catch myself wondering why I am trying to go back and if I should even bother because I'm so afraid of failing.

I've been pretty depressed over all of it and it is a constant fight not to give in and just give up at the same time. I can't see the progress that I am making at the gym (JD tells me I am so that is my indication that there is progress) and not being able to see that I am getting better, stronger, fitter, or whatever is really hard. JD pointed out to me that I could lose 30 pounds and probably still wouldn't see it because I have such a warped vision of myself. And I do.

Growing up awkward and smart was hard on me and being recognized solely for my intellect when I could've been so much more left a lasting impression on me that still lingers today. I wonder if I had taken more interest in being a little bit more girly if I would feel differently about myself. But by the time I was at an age when most girls do that I was already so convinced that my brain was the only thing that might get me anywhere that I never really learned how to be pretty. I lack that polish and confidence that let me be comfortable in my own skin. 

So now I'm nearing 30 and I find myself feeling just as awkward now as I did at 15 and I still have no idea how to deal. I still don't quite fit in with the crowd and while I'm used to being on the outside looking in, it doesn't mean that it's easy. It doesn't mean that sometimes I might not want to be on the outside, but that's where I've spent my entire life and I don't know how to change. So I just keep my mouth shut and my head down and try not to make any trouble.

 Bleh...this is what happens when I'm without insurance and off my meds...I turn into an angsty teenage girl and listen to music while I write and debate ways to change my appearance so I feel pretty. Welcome back to the late 90s and early 00s...

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