I've been cycling really hard all week. It has affected my ability to work, sleep, play, enjoy myself, and participate in roller derby. I think I am coming to realize that until I have my bipolar disorder under control and can focus on something beyond simply surviving my day then all of the extra things (like roller derby) are simply going to have to wait. It breaks my heart to have to walk away...again. But I can't do it.
I feel as though I have virtually no friends because I either can't handle hanging out with people or because I am too broke to go out and do anything. Working at Walmart was an awful job, but that was what gave me a little extra money to go out and have a drink with friends or maybe enough to have even gone to dinner. Now I live paycheck to paycheck under what feels like a mountain of debt that I don't think I can escape most days. It is incredibly discouraging and even though I am slowly watching those debts decrease it happens on such a micro time scale because of interest rates and my inability to make more than just the bare minimum of payments that it is very hard to see the scant progress that I do make.
I work a 9-5 that isn't exactly stressful, but it can be too much for me and I'm exhausted by the time I get home; another reason that I might feel alone because I simply don't have the energy to go do anything. Before I started cycling super hard I was getting to the gym and had seemed to be making some small headway there (another form of progress that is very hard for me to see) but since I crashed and burned I have been once. And my eating habits have been atrocious.
Basically, I am starting all over at the beginning yet again. This feels like only the umpteenth time that I have done so and I feel like I don't know how many times I can start over before I eventually just give up altogether. How many times before it is just too much, before my spirit is crushed under the onslaught of repeated failures.
Ugh, this is a rather disjointed and rambling post, but it accurately reflects my thoughts and my feels so unlike writing a speech or a presentation I'm going to let it stand as it is and hope that I can somehow, someway, someday make the changes that I need to make (and stick with them) in order to be a whole person again.