Changes

I'm spending my weekend coming off a rough week of crazy mood swings, spirals, and highs/lows. I'm also spending it watching Champs on wftda.tv because no matter how much I'm not able to skate right now it is still an absolute blast to watch. Except for Gotham. I am so over watching Gotham because they play at a level that is just beyond many of the other teams and I hated seeing them just utterly destroy Ohio. I hope that Bay Area can come in and beat them.

I also hope that I can figure out the issues that I am having, not only with my medication, but with my insurance (or lack thereof) and that I can find a way to continue treating my bipolar and PTSD. Honestly, when I look at it from a health standpoint I know that I have no choice but to FIND an option that will allow me to keep up with my treatment because if I don't then I simply won't be able to function at a level that is going to allow me to do anything resembling having a life.

Once I get this crisis under control I want to be able to move on to having some boredom in my life. I want nice and quiet and uneventful because I am so tired of having there be one catastrophe after another. Even if it is all minor stuff it just wears a body down to nothing. I want my life to be dull for a bit. Then maybe I will be able to once again consider getting back to roller derby. But before I get back to derby I need to get back to myself. I need to get with the gym, stick with it, change my eating habits, and basically just learn that it is OK for me to do me. So not only will there be the gym to handle but also just the basic truths of life that tell me that it is OK to have a bad day, it is OK to sit and knit or read or veg out, and even beyond that I need to realize that it is OK to accept myself regardless of things that I might not like and then I need to let others choose to accept me or not and what they do is not something that I need to worry about.

JD tells me everyday that he loves me and that I am beautiful. I know that he loves me and I can easily believe that he does. What I struggle with is that I am worth loving and I feel like he would do better if he loved someone that was worth loving. I need to learn that he obviously thinks I am worth it, which is kind of a new concept to me. And I need to learn too that when he says I am beautiful that he doesn't see what I see when I look in the mirror. In order for me to learn that I think that I might need to find a way to change what I see in the mirror as well and that is definitely something that I have no idea how to do.

Reading back over things I see that what this post seems to boil down to is that I need to make a lot of changes in my life and I'm not really sure where to start with any of them. If there is anyone out there who still reads this and has some advice to share I would welcome friendly comments.