Thursday, July 4, 2013

Insecurities and no sleep

So despite all of my mental health issues I'm sure there are people that know me who figure that I am a pretty normal person. I work, go to gym, and generally seem to be some what well adjusted (I think.)

But under the calm, mostly quiet, sometimes self-assured face that I tend to present to the world at large (except at my second job because there being chatty is part of my job some days) I quite often feel like nothing more than a failure. And a very large one at that. See, I'm a smart person and I know I'm smart. When I was a child that meant that a lot of things in school came easy to me. Very easy. To the point that as I got older and schoolwork became harder it got harder for me to feel like I was a smart, successful student. When things no longer came so easily and I started feeling pressure to be better than I was I developed a lot of insecurities.

Eventually those insecurities spilled over into every aspect of my life and I now find myself second guessing things or simply not being willing to try to do them because I feel like they will be something that I won't be good at/am not good enough at or is too hard for me or that I'm just plain too dumb to be able to do it. It means that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities. I might miss out on more opportunities because of it.

And I know that it will take work to change these habits/insecurities/fears that I have, but it is a long hard road to make those changes and I feel like I don't know where to start. I also feel like there are some things that I have already done or am currently doing that will help me make these long term changes.

Tonight though, right now, I feel very insecure, moreso than I have in a while and it leaves me feeling very shaken and a little depressed. I don't know why I feel this way tonight and I don't know what I can do to shake the feeling and move on with my day. So it is just kind of hovering over my head like a semi-dark cloud. Being tired makes it worse as does the fact that I had things that I needed to do today in order to be productive and I did none of them. I spent my day sleeping. Like almost all of it. I was in bed by 11 last night after I had spent several days not sleeping and I looked like 3/4s death. When I woke up this morning at one point I went to the bathroom, saw myself in the mirror and realized that I still looked about 1/2 dead. A small improvement but given that I had slept for almost 12 hours I would've preferred to not look even remotely kind of dead at all. And then I went back to bed and kept sleeping. I didn't get out of bed and be fully awake until probably 5 or 6 this evening and I'm sure that I will be back in bed around midnight so I can get up for work tomorrow. I don't know why I am so tired and have been so tired for the better part of a month, but I'm really, really tired of it (yes deliberate pun) and would like to start getting a full night's sleep on a regular basis.

I'm not sure if I feel any better now that I have everything written down, but at least I was able to put it to words and that might help me deal with things. Time will tell.

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