Today was not so very good. I slogged through my job at the office barely able to do anything beyond sit and stare at my computer. I got almost no work done because I couldn't focus through the fog that has been leaving me in a near constant daze.
I feel like my coworkers are judging me based on my lack of productivity as well as my poor showing at the 5k over the weekend. And I feel like they don't know what is going on my life so maybe they shouldn't be that way. of course, maybe it's all in my paranoid little head. At any rate, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my one job because there won't be funding or because of the way I think I'm being judged and I'm afraid my other job might fire me because it is nearly impossible for me to handle working there. The idea of not having a job or any prospects for a job is scary...a lot scary.
I'm no closer to knowing what might be wrong with me physically and mentally I feel that I'm getting worse, but I haven't been able to reach the nurses at CCMH since I played phone tag with them last week and the idea of trying to find a PCP causes extra stress because the wait times in this town are awful for doctors and I want to know what is wrong with me now so I can fix it.
Everything on my mind about the things I wrote above, money, bills, derby, and general life stress has been pushing me so hard that by the time I got home today I was at a breaking point. If JD hadn't been home this afternoon I honestly feel like I would've done something and hurt myself. And I'm not sure I would've stopped. Now, I know that people who admit to this sort of thing are "only doing it for attention" according to the experts, but I have no reason to lie about this. Not here, not where almost no one reads what I write.
I feel like there are very few people who would miss me if I were gone and that those that might miss me would probably be better off if I weren't around to be a nuisance.
That said, JD let me sob and cry and shake and be absolutely miserable for...I dunno...an hour or more and the whole time he was right there, holding onto me, reminding me that he loves me, and doing his damnedest to make sure that I was OK, that I was going to be OK. I still wish that I weren't so broken and damaged, that I knew how to fix myself, that I could see a way for things to start getting better, even if it was just something small.
Instead, I'm going to do my best to keep trusting him and loving him and believing him when he tells me that I'm worth it and he loves me and he won't give up on me. I'm still feeling rather down as a write tonight, but I do want to be better, even if I don't know how to be.