Monday, July 22, 2013

Free writing over the span of an hour

2:13pm 7/22/2013

*sigh* I still don’t feel well and I’m actually feeling kind of miserable about now. The internet is down (apparently it is an issue with our provider) here at the office and I can’t access my time program so I can get into my case files. Since that’s what I need to get much of anything done, I figured at the very least I could record my thoughts in a doc and then email it to myself later.
My mood has grown increasingly darker as the day has worn on. I feel like the world is out to get me/hates me as much as I hate myself. Obviously JD is the exception here, but for him I just feel like he is a wonderful person who deserves more than his crazy girlfriend can give him. He wants me to be better and honestly, I want to be better too, but it is so hard for me to keep moving forward and working towards change when I can’t see any progress being made.
It feels futile to even bother right now and I’m mostly typing for something to do at this point. Granted, I do need to work on my writing skills and my typing skills can always use some practice so I can always look at this as an exercise in self-improvement of some sort even if it isn’t the type of improvement I would like to have in my life.
One of the things that is weighing me down today is my body image and weight and general dissatisfaction with myself in terms of how I look and how society perceives me. And while I know that I shouldn’t be bothered with how other people see me sometimes I am. It is simply a part of me to some extent that has been beaten into my head by the media, my family, my classmates, and sometimes even my peers now that I am an adult. I read a post earlier today on reddit that talked about a woman who was so disgusted with her own body image that she was sobbing in a dressing room at the sight of herself in a full length mirror. It worked out in the end because there was an employee of the store who didn’t quite meet the standards that the world said she needed to meet, but was beautiful and rocked it with some serious self-confidence and apparently she was able to help the self-hating woman see herself in an entirely different light. I realized that I am that self-hating woman in many respects.
I have tried for years and years not to be and I have done things to work on myself self-esteem and have a positive body image and sometimes I have been able to do so and even felt like I was doing it well. But in the last few months I have slipped back a lot as my health has devolved to the point that I feel anywhere from mildly off to full on miserable and feeling like that makes it easier for me to see myself as some kind of monster. I see myself looking tired and worn down and gaining weight for reasons that I cannot name and it just makes me so damn sad and unhappy. But it seems like whatever I try to do isn’t enough.  And eventually I just want to give up because I don’t make (at least not to myself) any progress to getting any better. It’s a loop that I haven’t been able to completely and successfully break for a very long time and I’m not sure if I ever will.  I want to break from my writing for a moment to go grab a drink and a muffin from the little store across the street, but I know that eating muffins will just make me feel worse about myself cause I’m a fatty and don’t need the calorie laden sugar bomb that is a muffin. However, I did go over and got some juice and a small snack that wasn’t a calorie laden bomb and I feel a tiny bit more alert. And since it’s not a 400 calorie muffin then maybe I can have some ice cream or a glass of wine or something tonight without guilting myself into feeling like a total cow.
It’s 3pm and the internet is still down at work. I was snacking on a plum at lunch and the color of the flesh against the darkness of the skin made me want a tattoo for some reason. And since I seem to have a bent for feminine and floral tattoos I’m now considering the idea of working my lotus tattoo and a plum blossom tattoo together somehow. My next one will still be the one I want on my ribcage and after chatting with a local artist I’m expecting it to cost me roughly $200 or a bit more. Not too bad really so I’m going to start saving some pennies towards that. It would be even better if I could save some pennies AND get myself put back together so I can go back to getting my gym on so that when I finally get the tattoo I will look better than I do now and not be afraid to absolutely rock that shit.
As for body mods, I stretched my earlobes up to a four gauge last week and they look really good. JD indicated to me that right now the size ratio of my ears to the size of my jewelry is in a good place and I should probably stop where I’m at if I want to be able to maintain a professional look for my job. I agree that he has a point and I know that I can’t get outrageously large, but I almost want to go up just one more size to a 2 because that is the smallest size that a lot of really cool, pretty jewelry comes in. I can somehow picture him telling me that he will get me pretty jewelry in whatever size I like if I were to present that argument to him. J And my piercer thinks the micro dermal in my hand is a bad idea so between her and JD if they can convince me that it is a truly awful idea then maybe I won’t get that one. I still want it though. And I’m still getting the one at the base of my dragonfly one day. That is just a given. My running list of tattoos and body mods that I want just keeps getting bigger and bigger though and I don’t see that as a bad thing, but I have no idea if I will ever complete the list of things that I want done because they are a costly habit/addiction.  I think I will probably go thru the list and try to see if I can determine a most wanted order, but that is also likely to change over time so I can’t see that being a hard and fast thing that I would stick to.
And now that my internet is finally back up at my office…an hour later…I’m going to try and get back to work and get some things done in my last couple hours of the day.

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