By the time I got home tonight after working all day then buying some groceries my feet were burning and swollen and I was starting to have trouble walking from the amount of pain I was in. Typically, I handle pain pretty well so this was distressing. it was made more distressing because there was a time in the not so distant past that I could spend hours on sksates and my feet didn't swrell and hurt as bad as they did earlier today.
Which means that I'm starting to wonder if my feet are just shot and if I will ever be able to actually skate again in a way that will allow me to play roller derby. I'm so upset by the thought of not getting to skate again that I can't even look at the pictures from the bout last night that my team skated in. I want to cry every time I try to look at them. I am incredibly proud of my teammates and what they are accomplishing, but I miss it more than words can describe.
I try very hard not to let it get to me and if I am announcing at a bout it is much easier for me to watch and call the action than it is for me to simply be there as a fan and watch. I get very down watching instead of announcing because I want so badly to be out there and to be part of the action. *sigh*
Unfortunately, my mental health isn't where it needs to be and I am still running blind regarding my physical health. I do have an appointment scheduled though to start trying to get that all sorted out so if I'm lucky I will make enough progress to maybe get back on skates sometime during the off season. I'm not holding out much hope that I will be able to bout a full season next year, because I feel like in order for me to be at the level I need to be at for that I should be well into getting myself in shape and not still trying to piece this puzzle together. I might prove myself wrong if I can get a handle on what is going on with me and I'd like nothing better than to do just that. At the same time I am terrified and overwhelmed a little bit because I have watched how the level of play has progressed this season and I just don't know if I can make it back into the game. I suppose that if I'm lucky I will get to find out and if I'm not lucky I will eventually have to consider hanging up my skates for good....