Friday, July 5, 2013

I'm the only one and I walk alone

I am incredibly depressed today and have been since sometimes yesterday. I don't recall when I noticed it, but it is only spiraling deeper and deeper as the days goes on today. Yesterday was a holiday at work, but I should've gone in. I was too busy sleeping to make it and today I should've gone in because the office was actually open, but I freaked out last night, got anxious cried for a while and realized that I'm simply so tired and exhausted that I don't know how to handle everything that I have going on right now and that I feel as though it is too much. It was 2AM before I slept.

When the alarm started going off this morning JD tried repeatedly to wake me, but I was so fatigued and groggy that I simply couldn't wake up. To the point that he is starting to worry that something is wrong, but I don't have a doctor that I can see and I'm not the type to go to the doctor simply because I'm tired. I'm always tired to one extent or another and I just assume that I will always be tired. There's probably nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I'm crazy and anxious and depressed and being this way is simply draining on my body and mind.

I finally made it out of bed and ate, but I haven't been able to summon the energy to do anything beyond read or sit at my desk and write. Going to gym seems like a chore, going to work to try and get a few hours in for my contract seems pointless because I'm not sure if I can get myself caught up on them anyway, and I'm too hot, sad, depressed, unmotivated, or melancholy to do much of anything else. Even getting a shower seems like more of an effort than I can handle at this point and that's an awful feeling because I am sweaty, sticky, gross and down right uncomfortable in my own skin because of it.

I adjusted my cymbalta back down the 30 mgs on the suggestion of my psych because I had been so tired and he thought that maybe to increase to 60mgs was causing the intense fatigue and constant sleepiness. it has been less than a week, but I haven't seen any kind of hint at improvement in the least and in fact I feel like my anxiety and mood swings are already getting worse on a lessened dosage of the cymbalta. Granted, I could simply be having a bad week, but that's not what this feels like. I feel like I have this weight hanging over me, this overwhelming, looming feeling of despair that I'm just going to fall apart and break and the damage won't be fixable. i don;t even know right now if I'm going to be able to finish my job contract or manage to keep my other job because I'm not sure if I can keep up the charade of going to work and trying to be normal enough to function in a society where mental illness is so highly stigmatized. But if I want to keep my car, my home, my boyfriend, my cat, and my life I don't have a choice but to try and be as normal a I can so that I don't lose my jobs and don't end up with nothing.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known....

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