Crazy and fat

UGh...I was going to grab a decent selfie and change my FB profile pic, but then I realized that my face has gotten super fat. Its awful to me and unfortunately because I'm not quite right in the head this one little moment may be the thing that ruins my day.

I've managed to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER been a size 2 or even a size 10 or 12 probably, but seeing myself with like a triple chin is just gross and really undermines my self-esteem. And to think the plan for today involved eating lots of food. Now I won't want to eat anything for the rest of the day. But I will eat. Then I will feel guilty because I ate when I so clearly should not have eaten. (See, this is one of the many reasons I'm self-proclaimed crazy)

I wish I could be more fat positive like so many women I see posting bikini pictures or not caring about what society says and I try to do that for myself and it helps to have people in my life who see me as far more than just a number on the scale, but AAARRGGHHH. It's frustrating.

And now for a complete and total 180 I decide to try ONE MORE TIME to get a decent photo and I snagged one that I don't have ALL the chins in. I still think my face is fat, but I'm slightly less freaked out about things. Still not sure I will be able to guilt freely enjoy my Five Guys later though.

I still think that my ultimate goal will be to become BOTH more positive about my body and keep working on losing weight/toning up and not giving a damn about the number on the scale. I'm sure that there will be a lot of days like this in the meantime though.