Another One

I had another panic attack/breakdown this morning. I was supposed to have been to work at 9. It's 11AM and I just got out of the shower and am trying to make sense of what I'm going to do with myself. I have nights where I know if I try to sleep I will just toss and turn so I stay up too late. When I finally sleep I sleep hard and miss alarms. If I start dreaming I get caught in these crazy surreal worlds where everything is wrong and I start to panic, but I can't wake up. Sometimes I even know I'm dreaming, but that doesn't seem to matter. Eventually when I wake up I'm in a panic and don't always know where I am or what's going on.

These events are exhausting and frighteningly enough are becoming more and more frequent. I don't know what to do to handle them better, I don't know how to make them go away, and I don't know what's going to happen if I can't get a grip on things. I feel like I should just disappear and then I wouldn't be any trouble to anyone. But I don't think I can leave. Because when I'm not feeling like I've been turned upside down and inside out by this insanity in my head I know that I have help and that there is at least one person in my life who thinks I can beat this and get better. But in moments like this I think he shouldn't have to deal with me and all of problems. And no matter how much I love him I feel as though it is selfish of me to put him through this. At the same time, my heart says that it would be selfish of me to leave because he loves me as much as I love him and why do I want to hurt someone that I love so much. Obviously the answer is that I don't want to hurt him and that is why sometimes I think I should leave. *sigh*

I don't know what to do to get my head back together and my life back on track before it all just implodes around me. I understand now why some people say they feel like they are on a clock to get better...ticktock ticktock...now if only I could find some clarity about everything else in my life.


Edit: Its about two hours after my original post and I can't calm down and I can't stop the flashbacks/nightmares. At one point I thought I had crawled from the living room into the bedroom and was quite surprised to find that I was still on the pull out couch in the living room. Or I think I'm trying to scream, but I can't make any noise other than these weird little guttural whines and whimpers. I'm definitely ready for this to not be happening...