Thursday, May 23, 2013

Moments at a time

To an old school friend whom I've known for many years: Yes, I will be OK. It may take some time and I may struggle to work through many of the issues and problems in my life, but in the long run I won't let them stop me. And you've known me long enough to know that I'm stubborn enough that this is true.

As for I am anxious. Not my usual low level buzz of anxiety, but higher intensity feeling that tells me I will have trouble eating today and that I may not sleep tonight. I'm taking my medication as prescribed, but I haven't come to a conclusion about whether or not it seems to be helping at all. I managed the gym yesterday for a bit and am planning to go back again tonight. So tiny amounts of progress.

I'm refusing to set extensive long term goals beyond that of getting better because I know that if I push myself too hard I will simply freak out and implode. So I take things in little chunks of time and try not to beat myself up over things that don't go as I had planned. If end up taking things one day, one hour, one moment at a time and that's how I have to get better then that's what has to happen. I don't like it and I would prefer to live my life with a fullness that lets me simply be and do instead of struggling with my mental state quite so much. I want to be able to go out to eat and order food without looking at the menu and being simply overwhelmed by the choices. I want to be able to pick a restaurant without wavering back and forth because I don't want to make the "wrong" choice when I'm out with my guy. I don't want to live my life with this vague feeling of unease or dread about everything. It's exhausting.

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