Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Piles of self-hate

So yesterday was really bad and awful for me personally. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I was upset with myself and frustrated as my inability to be normal. I have severe body image issues that affect me daily, but I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Instead I just have piles and piles of self-hatred that color how I perceive myself all the time.  It is bad enough that there are frequently times when I want to stop eating and start exercising like a fiend in order to see results. However, I do have some good sense left and it kicks me in the head when I start thinking like that too much. I know how unhealthy that would be for me.

That said even though I know it in my head that doesn’t mean I don’t get a little crazy sometimes. Yesterday I spent some time reading a blog written by a woman who is pro-ana and according to said blog works in some kind of film or modeling industry where there is a LOT of pressure to be thin. I was trying to find some perspective hoping that it would kick me out of the headspace I was in, but all I did was feel like some of what she was writing about going to the gym and limiting her caloric intake made sense to me. That was a little scary honestly and I did find the courage to tell JD about it last night because I kind of scared myself. He asked me if perhaps part of my mood yesterday was because I started new meds and if the side effects might be getting to me. I argued that I had only just started them and he pointed out that side effects are an immediate thing, which he is correct about.

At any rate today I just feel like I am being buried under a giant pile of self-hatred and loathing and I don’t know how to escape from it. I’m not perfect and I never will be, but I don’t think I will ever even get to a point where I can say that I like myself. I’m really tired of always feeling so broken, useless, and worthless, but I don’t know any other way to feel about myself. I’m diagnosed crazy, fat, not really pretty, and have never been able to see the good in myself that others keep telling me is there. I try to trust JD when he tells me that he loves me for a reason, that I’m wonderful, and that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me, etc. but I can’t shake the feeling that he would be better with someone else. My best friend reminds me that I’m not perfect and he’s (JD) not perfect, but we are perfect together. And maybe she’s right. But I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to not hate myself.

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