Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Depressed Fat Ass

I’m really having a hard time today. It is snowing out and I hate snow and winter and cold and tend to get very depressed when the weather is bad. Given that I live in a place where it isn’t uncommon to have snow from November-March I can get pretty miserable. But I can’t afford to move away.

Anyway, I’ve dealt with some stupid at work. No more than usual really, but when I’m having a bad day like this it really grates on my nerves that people can actually be as dumb as they are. Now I’m not a genius by any stretch of the imagination and I will give someone a lot of slack if they are willing to learn or able to learn. People who are willfully ignorant just irritate me though. And I’m upset so it is worse than it normally might be. I just want to shut off the phone and work quietly without any interruptions.

But my biggest trouble today is simply being me. I’m not handling myself well and every time I see my reflection in a mirror (so any time I get up to go to the bathroom) I just hate myself a little more and want to cry. I’ve gained all this weight and I know that I can’t physically lose it fast enough for me to be able to feel better about what I see in the mirror. But if I do nothing I keep gaining weight. I feel as though I’m stuck because one way or another I’m going to fail. 

I don’t know what to do or how to address this issue because it is a recurring one that I have struggled with for years.  I’ve always been heavy and I’ve always tried and failed to lose weight. I thought I could just keep trying and magically one of these days it would stick and going to the gym would get easier and not eating so much food would be easier, but honestly all it does is just stress me out. And when I get stressed I want to eat. I’ve gotten better at breaking that habit though since we don’t keep a lot of junk in the house, but I still feel awful every time I see myself in the mirror. Used to I only felt awful; if I saw myself naked in the mirror, now I just hate what I see no matter what.

*sigh* I really don’t know what to do or how to handle this since everything that I have tried (and will probably keep trying) just doesn’t seem to work.  Eventually I’m going to be fat enough that I won’t be able to wear any nice clothes or even want to leave the house because I will be so disgusted with myself. I don’t want this to happen but right now at this very moment it feels like that is going to be the hopelessly inevitable conclusion that my life will come to.

I don’t have a good thing for today.

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